1. Zombieland/Sony Wknd/$ 25.0 Total/$ 25.0
2. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs Wknd/$ 16.7 Total/$ 82.4
3. Toy Story 1&2 3D/Disney Wknd/$ 12.5 Total/$ 12.5
4. The Invention of Lying/Warner Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 7.4
5. Surrogates/Touchstone Wknd/$ 7.3 Total/$ 26.4
6. Whip It/FoxSearchlight Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 4.9
7. Capitalism: A Love Story Wknd/$ 4.9 Total/$ 4.9
8. Fame/MGM Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 16.6
9. The Informant/WB Wknd/$ 3.8 Total/$ 26.6
10. Love Happens/Universal Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 18.9
JUST DO ANOTHER TV SERIES ALREADY. YOU’RE NOT A MOVIE STAR.
Zombieland opened at number one and I’m utterly lacking in any interest in this. I just don’t get the whole zombie thing, even as a joke. From Pride & Prejudice and Zombies (yes, Pride & Prejudice re-written with zombies in it) to Marvel Zombies (Spider-man, Captain America, The Hulk, etc all become infected zombies and eat everyone on the planet) it’s become quite popular and I just. don’t. get it. Vampires I get, because they’re scary and sexy. Even werewolves, I get because we all embrace the beast within. But zombies? They’re dead, they’re rotting, they tend to eat you. What’s the appeal? Casting Woody Harrelson doesn’t help your case much either. Were Matthew McConughey and Josh Lucas too busy? I can’t imagine with what. Not that it would have changed my reaction, but you know either of them would have loved to have had a number one film where the real star wasn’t the woman next to them…not that Woody Harrelson has even had that in a hundred years.
LET’S GO TO THE NUMBERS
Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is down to number two and don’t be fooled by this seeming success. It cost $100M and has yet to make budget even though it was in the number one slot for two straight weeks. It’ll probably get it from home video, but for now it’s nowhere near being profitable.
HOW MANY TOYS DOES THIS KID OWN TO MAKE THIS MANY MOVIES?
Toy Story 1&2 3D opens at number three, but don’t kid yourself. It’s the fact that the trailer for Toy Story 3 was part of this that did it. Had I remembered this was even out I might have seen it too.
STILL ALIENATING MYSELF FROM MY PRETENTIOUS PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL PEERS
The Invention of Lying opens at number four and you know what else I don’t get? Ricky Gervais. Yes, I’m one of those people. Well, I get him, but simply don’t care for that type of awkward comedy that’s about people being embarrassed or acting stupid. I’ve never sat through more than two seconds of either version of The Office. I made it through a few minutes of Extras years ago just to see Kate Winslet talk dirty (and it was that prophetic episode where she was doing a holocaust movie because she wanted an Oscar) but that’s about it. Still, if you recast this with Hugh Grant in the Ricky Gervais role and I’m there. Otherwise, I’m sleeping in. And only opposite Ricky Gervais is Jennifer Garner the hot girl. Yeah, I said it.
WHATEVER THE OPPOSITE OF HIGH ART IS IT LOOKS LIKE THIS
The Surrogates is down to number five and also in this is my beloved Radha Mitchell as Bruce Willis’s partner who really doesn’t do much. She’s his partner who really doesn’t have much of a character beyond her name. Guess how that works out? This was clearly a “for the money” role for her as she normally goes indie and rightly so. High Art is still a great film and I could watch it at the drop of a hat.
NO, THE DEVO SONG DOES NOT MAKE AN APPEARANCE
Whip It opens at number six and this is very much a girl power movie, but that’s not a bad thing. A teenage girl in small town Texas, frustrated by the beauty pageants her mother puts her in, blossoms when she joins the women’s roller derby in nearby Austin. She also meets a cute boy in a band (it is Austin). And that’s it. But it’s nicely done and a lot of fun. It’s very pro-girl as even the bad girls in the roller derby really aren’t that mean and are less cutthroat than the beauty pageant contestants, and even they aren’t that mean. I mean, the “rumble” between rising derby star, Ellen Page, and established star, Juliette Lewis, results in a food fight. But what could you expect from director Drew Barrymore (though Demi Moore might call bullshit on this given how both her and Cameron Diaz threw her under the bus for the disappointing returns of the Charlie’s Angels sequel)? I’m mean, her character is a clerk at Whole Foods during the day. I think that says it all. And yeah, I said “director.” She’s been producing her own films since Never Been Kissed and also Donnie Darko, but now she’s calling the shots and she thinks grrrl power is cool! But is it really so strange that people, not just women would feel a unity in their fraternity that they could be rivals but not crabs on each other’s backs?
THE WANT OF MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL!?! YOU DON’T SAY!?!
Opening at number seven is Capitalism: A Love Story and it looks like another “duh-umentary” from Michael Moore like his others where the government lies (duh), guns are bad (duh) and insurance companies don’t care about you (duh). This one investigates how bankers are evil. Say it with me: “Duh.” But my biggest obstacle remains Moore himself. He’s an asshole. I don’t care if you’re an asshole on my side, you’re still an asshole. Being right doesn’t give you the right to be a dick about and if anything obligates you not to be.
A BASIC INSTINCT FOR DANCE
Fame is down to number eight and I still haven’t made it to this because quite frankly, my Sundays belong to football and you have to be pretty important to get me to overlook that that and this just doesn’t qualify, not even with Karen from Will & Grace also in as one of the teachers. But does anyone look a that little blonde dancer in all the commercials and wonder if Sharon Stone knows they took a little of her DNA to make her
THE END
The Informant is down to number nine, followed by Love Happens closing out the top ten at number ten.
I’M A GIRL WATCHER
One of the reasons Chasing Amy and I go out is mostly to watch other people. Yeah, eating and drinking is a big part of it (especially drinking), but so is people watching. Saturday night we were in a Mexican place in her neighborhood and sat next to a table filled with 20-something girls who were celebrating the birthday of the one who was clearly the most attractive. At one point they were discussing someone not present who’d apparently sent her ex a picture of her ass saying, “Do you miss my ass? It misses you smacking it.” See, I never meet girls like that. Well, I do, but they insist on becoming my friends and it’s really goddamned annoying. But the cherry on top of this was when we were leaving and passing their table. I was used the opportunity to check out the pretty girl…while the pretty girl used the opportunity to check out Chasing Amy’s ass. Yet another warm, wonderful New York moment.
TOP TEN REASONS HE DIDN’T GET MARRIED UNTIL 60: 10. PUSSY. 9. PUSSY. 8. PUSSY…
So Letterman is a bit of a dirtbag. Are we really that surprised? Disappointed, yes, but surprised? After all, one of the writers on Larry Sanders worked on Letterman’s show and it was just too easy to picture Letterman behaving that way. What nonetheless amazes me is the same thing that amazes me in George Clooney: the choice of women. Clooney can have any woman on the planet, but chooses 20-something cocktail waitresses. David Letterman is rich, famous, tall and funny (and according rumor, hung). He has access to someone of the most beautiful women alive literally every night of the week and what does he choose? His 20-something-employees. It speaks both to a massive ego and a massive insecurity that the woman in question can’t be of equal success, but at the same time can’t be exceptionally attractive either. I know that sounds mean, but he’s not boning 20-somethings because he wants conversation, so if you’re going to go that way why not go all the way? I mean at least Clooney’s waitresses are usually gorgeous wannabes (actress, model, etc). Also, even though I’ve no doubt it was all-consensual for the reasons I mentioned earlier, it’s still creepy to have your job security possibly linked to your boss’ affection. I was once harassed through a meeting by someone who was technically my superior that I’d hooked up with. I never cared enough about the job to worry that it might get me fired, only that I didn’t want to go to any more goddamn meetings. But with the ex-girlfriend of the blackmailer that really wasn’t the issue. How do I know? Well, he’s 54 and Letterman is 62. The girl in question is now 34. She’s clearly working out some daddy issues and if it weren’t Letterman it would have been some other old dude somewhere.
THE RETURN OF SHORT EYES
Speaking of creepy old dudes, Roman Polanski is finally in custody and might see some justice. If I were a praying man I’d say they’d been answered, but this was merely the benefit of a dick contest. Polasnki’s lawyer gloated about the US not chasing them down, which is tantamount to saying, “Their dicks are too small to catch us.” Well, it was big enough to reach Switzerland. And if you’re wondering why some people (i.e., men) aren’t enthusiastic about this it’s because if Polanski can go to jail for this, you too can go to jail if you ever fulfilled your fantasy of popping Britney in her schoolgirl outfit. Or Lindsay Lohan or Natalie Portman or any of the clearly underage girls that have had legal countdown clock posted for them online over the past decade. But there’s a difference. With Polanski it wasn’t just that she was 13, it was that it wasn’t consensual. And even though he’d given her drugs and booze she still said no, but he sodomized her anyway. Yes, it was anal rape on top of all the other sordidness. But the absurdity of the Hollywood artiste community response is laughable or would be if it weren’t so dangerously stupid. For them it’s wrong because they grabbed him going to a film festival in Switzerland. How far must your head be up your own ass to think that going to a fucking film festival entitles you to some sort of diplomatic immunity!?! That the laws of the world don’t apply to you because you’re an artist!?! I know artists of all types tend to be narcissistic assholes of varying levels, but this is a height undreamt of. But they’re also cowardly sheep and if any one star of a high enough level stands up and says “This is bullshit! What’s wrong with you fuckers!?!” you’ll see support dwindle. France has already backed away from supporting him. But that it even has to take time to get there is ridiculous. And that so many are filmmakers I like just hurts. But hey, they make movies, not split the atom. Great intellectual accomplishments are not what we ask of them.
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