A MOVIE STAR AND A GUN

1. The Town/Warners Wknd/$ 23.8 Total/$ 23.8

2. Easy A/Screen Gems Wknd/$ 18.2 Total/$ 18.2

3. Devil/Universal Wknd/$ 12.6 Total/$ 12.6

4. Resident Evil: Afterlife Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 43.9

5. Alpha and Omega/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 9.2 Total/$ 9.2

6. Takers/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 52.3

7. The American/Focus Wknd/$ 2.8 Total/$ 32.9

8. Inception/Warner Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$285.2

9. The Other Guys/Sony Wknd/$ 2.0 Total/$115.4

10. Machete/Fox Wknd/$ 1.7 Total/$ 24.3

YOU CAN GET MORE WITH MOVIE STAR AND A GUN…

Softhearted men who commit violent crimes are a staple of films and The Town, opening at number one, adds another one with Ben Affleck as the kindest, smartest armed robber in all of “Baahstun.” And of course, where you have smart guy looking to get out, you have his violent, hair-trigger best friend since childhood and yes, there’s one here too (played by Jeremy Renner). And of course Smart Guy was once involved with Hair Trigger’s hot, slutty sister, played by Blake Lively in her best “I wanna come wit youse” working class accent (and by “best” I mean “inadvertently funniest”). We even have Jon Hamm as the squared jawed G-man out to get them. And in the thankless role of the higher social class good girl he hopes to leave all this for is Rebecca Hall. Oh, and did I mention “the last big job” that of course goes wrong? Between this and Gone Baby Gone, Affleck clearly wants to be the Scorsese of Boston and he’s not bad at it, but if he really wants it he’s going to have to embrace the darker side of everyone’s nature. Some much-needed grit is loss with Ben Affleck’s character being so saintly (did I mention he’s also a recovering substance abuser, so he’s not drinking or doing drugs either). After all, he’s walking into a bank with a loaded assault rifle. He’s clearly taken on the concept he might kill someone. And he says repeatedly he’s willing to die rather than stay, but shouldn’t that mean he’d also be willing to kill to get out? Even when he does something bad like assault and battery, it’s to a bunch of punks who threatened his new girlfriend and trashed her car. And even then his best friend shows us what real bad is by shooting one in the kneecaps. He’s doing bad things, but he doesn’t own them which is a bit disingenuous as a filmmaker and clearly playing to guaranteeing audience sympathies for his lead character. Jon Hamm as the FBI agent conveys more menace as the good guy than he does. He makes it clear he’s willing to hurt people to get what he wants.

SIXTEEN MEAN GIRL CANDLES DAY OFF

Easy A opens at number two and this should have been better. A teen movie with a smart female lead mocking the idea she’s a tramp should have been ripe with opportunity for satire and social commentary and while it starts well, it loses its way with wasted characters and worship of 80’s teen movies. The burden of having started off with a smarter-than-average movie is you have to keep it up until the end and this just doesn’t do that. Emma Stone is a smart, softhearted girl who decides to parlay a rumor about her being slutty into helping a gay friend hide in the closet. Wait. It’s 2010 and this is in California. Why the hell is he going back into the closet? How is he the only gay kid in school? Also, is she the only girl in school having sex that it even matters? Aren’t the kids today having blowjob parties? Why would this even remotely be an issue? Okay, fine. I’ll just go with it. As it happens, he tells some of his friends the truth and they go to her for similar lies seeing help for their social status and despite an ugly threat to just slander her anyway, she decides to accept payment for faking hooking up with them in some manner---which leads to rumor she’s not just a slut but a hooker. Now that’s just a little too sordid to be taken as lightly as she takes it and that’s pretty much when the movie goes off its smart rails. Even when a rumor of an STD comes up she decides to take the hit in order to help someone and she’s just too smart for us to believe she’d be that stupidly nice (or that the school wouldn’t have called her parents by this point with her wearing bustiers with a Scarlet A on them). Also beyond the annoying self-righteous Christian clique this high school is strangely devoid of any others. How can you make a movie about a girl mocking or challenging social order is you don’t show what the social order is? And they’re just shrill prudes with no more to them, much less hypocrisy, which makes no sense if you know anything about these purity types. They’re usually fucking more than anyone. Also, short shrift is given to other characters, starting with her hot, yet equally virginal blonde friend who seemingly becomes upset that Emma Stone’s new slut status makes her the “alpha” in their relationship. This might have been interesting if she or the movie seemingly given a crap about. Given that smart people usually have smart friends, it makes no sense her Blonde Friend wouldn’t have been a partner somewhat in all this, but seems no more connected to her than anyone else at school, which also brings up the question why is someone so nice and conventionally pretty seemingly friendless? Answers like these we don’t have, but we’re got time for a montage of the best teen movies of the 80’s. And I take fucking issue with Can’t Buy Me Love being included as one of them. No, sir! Not even a little. Though given that was about a guy paying a girl for an imaginary relationship to improve his social status it should have had greater meaning to this movie.

SUBMITTED FOR YOUR APPROVAL, A ONE TRICK PONY GETTING AWAY WITH MURDER

The Devil opens at number three and how long is M. Night Shamalayan going to get away with dragging out Twilight Zone episodes into full-length films? Seriously, this is nothing but a Twilight Zone episode. Why the fuck would I pay to see this!?! Not to mention it stinks of “twist” and you can usually see them coming for a mile. He didn’t direct it, but it “comes from his mind” which means he fell asleep watching a Twilight Zone marathon again and woke up with an idea.

LUCKILY KATHERINE HEIGL NEEDS BLAND PRETTY BOYS FOR HER MOVIES

Resident Evil: Afterlife is down to number four and also in this to show you how brief “heat” can be is Wentworth Miller. Yeah, smoking hot for a hot second with Prison Break (and was even playing a young Anthony Hopkins in The Human Stain) and now he’s the fourth lead behind Mila Jovovich, Ali Larter and the use of 3D. Choose wisely when you’re on top, kids. Choose wisely.

BECAUSE DOGS AND CATS DIDN’T CONSUME ALL THE NO-TALENT HACKS

Alpha & Omega opens at number five and again, this is why Pixar rules. This is an abomination of imagination, made clear in every single second of the trailer and don’t think kids can’t tell the difference. There was zero laughter when this ran before Despicable Me. But because parents will always need a big screen babysitter, crap like this will continue to be made.

IF LOOKS COULD KILL, FASHIONS WOULD ANNIHILATE

Takers is down to number six, followed by The American at number seven and also in this is Thekla Reuten whom you’ve no real reason to know but is notable here for her super-chic wardrobe. It’s not often you see a female assassin who looks like she walked off the pages of Vogue. Wait a minute. Actually you do. They’re always beautiful and well dressed. Never mind.

IT ALSO STOPS WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON

Inception actually rises to number eight and this is clearly the cockroach of summer movies, impossible to kill.

HOPE THAT FUNNY OR DIE THING IS WORKING OUT FOR YOU

The Other Guys is down to number nine and can you believe this cost $100M? Which means that at $118 worldwide it is far from any kind of blockbuster hit. At best it didn’t lose any money. Now can we return Will Ferrell to supporting status behind Luke Wilson and Vince Vaughn?

HOLLYWOOD: WHERE FUGLY MEN GET THEIR HIGH SCHOOL REVENGE IN CASTING CHOICES

Finally, Machete closes out the top ten at number ten and I was talking a young woman who was horrified at the fact that fugly-ass Danny Trejo gets to bed down every woman he meets in this movie. I tried to explain to her those were the rules of the 70’s exploitation film (not to mention hard core porn). Guys like Joe Don Baker and Rudy Ray Moore were getting laid all the time onscreen. But she was only 23 and had no idea who they were, much less what they did, so I took my Geritol and sat in silence.

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