1. The American/Focus Wknd/$ 13.1 Total/$ 16.3
2. Machete/Fox Wknd/$ 11.4 Total/$ 11.4
3. Takers/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 10.9 Total/$ 37.4
4. The Last Exorcism/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 7.4 Total/$ 32.2
5. Going The Distance/WB Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 6.9
6. The Expendables/LionsGate Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 92.2
7. The Other Guys/Sony Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$106.8
8. Eat, Pray. Love/Sony Wknd/$ 4.8 Total/$ 68.9
9. Inception/Warner Wknd/$ 4.6 Total/$277.1
10. Nanny McPhee Returns/Universal Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 22.4
ALSO EUROPEAN: EXCESSIVE FEMALE NUDITY
The American opens at number one and this is a very “European” effort from George Clooney, which is to say, it’s a tad slow, lacking in pyrotechnics and filled with lots of music-free scenes with people who stare ominously at one another and almost never smile. I’m not talking about just the main characters, which are obligated not to embrace a happy emotion, but extras sitting in cafes. We’re very, very serious here, people. Not like that Hollywood silliness. This very serious motion picture is about the lion in winter, in this case a professional assassin who finds himself in the odd position of being hunted, not knowing whom or why. Taking refuge in a small Italian town, he finds himself still breaking cardinal rules by starting a small friendship with a priest and an unlikely romance with a prostitute, because even in take-themselves-too-seriously art films, hooker still have hearts of gold and fall for the leading man. Especially if said leading man looks like George Clooney who goes down on them and sodomizes them in rapid succession. Don’t try this at home, kids, because I really don’t think any amount of head is going to get you spontaneous anal sex and trigger romance no matter what you look like. They probably should have looked at that scene one more time because I don’t think they realized how ultimately silly it was. Also, we’re supposed to feel his paranoia at not knowing whom to trust when it’s pretty clear where the threat is coming from and even he knows it as evidenced by his actions. Also all the hit men are Swedes, so basically any blondes who show up are best shot on principle.
SOMEWHERE THE PRODUCERS OF BLACK DYNAMITE ARE PISSED
Machete opens at number two and this is basically a joke that took a life of its own. Originally a faux trailer from the Grind House movie from Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino, someone thought it would be a good idea to make it for real, but as we’ve seen recently even with Grind House there’s really not that big an audience for spoofs of 70’s exploitation films from competent directors, much less Robert Rodriguez who just sucks as a filmmaker and I’m tired of giving both him and Kevin Smith my money hoping they’ll get better. They’ve never really risen above their amateur origins of with films borne of credit cards and moxie filled with promise. Now it’s just incompetent water treading. I’m pretty sure “introducing Don Johnson” is probably as funny as this gets and given there’s no superstar presence like Johnny Depp or Antonio Banderas, that’s not really Lindsay Lohan nude and neither Jessica Alba (finally playing Latina) and Michelle Rodriguez get nude, there’s no need for me to see this. But the trailer made specifically in the wake of Arizona was funny.
FUNNY HOW CHICKS DON’T DIG GUYS WHO BEAT THEIR GIRLFRIENDS
Takers is down to number three and this was supposed to come out last year, but Chris Brown single-handedly fucked that up. Though honestly it’s probably for the best, because at that point he was at the height of his fame and it probably would have been pushed as the “Chris Brown” movie, whereas the commercials today steer the look of film firmly in the direction of T.I. and Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker, clearly to the film’s benefit.
SAVING MILLIONS ON TRIPODS
The Last Exorcism is down to number four and this is yet another film shot with the nausea inducing shakey cam, faux documentary style and given it’s made thirty times its budget, you can bet your sweet ass more are coming so grab your nausea bags.
FUCKING ROMANTIC
Going The Distance opens at number five and romantic comedy whore that I am (especially when they’re made in NYC), I saw this mainly because unlike far too romcoms this one was rated “R” and wholeheartedly embraced that. People forget the first five minutes of Four Weddings & A Funeral consisted of the word “fuck” being said over and over again. Also, while Drew Barrymore and Jason Long “meet cute” over the arcade game of Centipede (glad to see the classics are still around for you fucking hipsters), there’s no pretense or bullshit romance about them hooking up just hours after they meet (after getting stoned no less!). Little touches like this and the hint of rawness make the clichés that do happen (seriously, a montage of dating?) bearable and give the movie a spark of energy it might ordinarily lack, because it’s not reinventing the wheel here and doesn’t really go anywhere you don’t think it might, though one really obvious cliché is mercifully overlooked, both times you see it up the road. Still, someone needs to tell Drew Barrymore she ain’t one of the young people any longer and even though they play lip service to her age (you ain’t 31 either, sweetie), it’s made clear every time she stands next to someone legitimately young how old she really is. This is the same sandtrap Jennifer Anniston has been in for a few years now which is why her movies blow. She’s clearly a full grown adult, but playing a role that belongs to someone a decade younger and no one is buying it. It’s like watching George Clooney playing a slacker. By a certain age, you just don’t deal with romance the way did when you were a kid and you look silly trying to. But again, to this film’s credit they aren’t playing people who are that young and so they deal with the situation of being apart somewhat maturely. Maybe that’s why it didn’t do better. People want stupid wacky hijinks in their romcoms like painfully contrived situations and old people who say outrageous things. Yes, Sandra Bullock, I’m looking at you and the steaming pile of shit that was The Proposal.
THE 90’S WERE SOOOO LONG AGO
The Expendables is down to number six and also in this is Charisma Carpenter, better known to Buffy and Angel fans as Cordelia. She should consider herself fortunate that she’s here as Jason Statham’s love interest and not Stallone’s, because usually a woman in her late 30’s, early 40’s almost always has to prop leading men in their 50’s and 60’s. Also, she’s not required to do a “I don’t see anyone else giving you a job” nude scene, which is a massive failing on the part of this film (she’s already done Playboy). If she refused, I’m sure Denise Richards would have stepped right in with no complaints.
ETC…
The Other Guys is down to number seven, followed by Eat, Pray, Love at number eight and Inception still around at number nine.
THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK!
Finally, Nanny McPhee closes out the top ten at number ten and for those like me who laughed, this fucker has made $86M worldwide off a $35M budget, pretty much guaranteeing McPhee 3.
LIKE I NEED A REASON TO WANT TO SEE EXCALIBUR
Not breaking the top ten any time soon is Centurion, a story about the legendary 9th Calvary of the Roman Empire who disappeared during their failed attempt to pacify England. Basically, The Picts wiped them out. I do believe it was only a few years ago they finally found their remains. But rather than an action film about seven survivors trying to get back home, it’s more a thinly veiled analogy about Vietnam. The Picts use guerrilla tactics to fight a technologically superior military force and eventually wear them down. Sound familiar? Even though end credits thank director Walter Hill, suggesting The Warriors (which itself is base on a story from Ancient Greece), it’s clearly aimed at modern empires that send their men off to fight and die for little more than the pride of a country. We know this because the narrator and star (Michael Fassbender) speaks ruefully how soldiers are sacrificed. I’m sure the producers were a bit shocked to get such a downbeat actioner from the Neil Marshall, the man who brought the world the over-the-top Doomsday. But despite its weighty subtext, it’s still got it’s heart in Hollywood, with no small amount of bloodletting and the lead Pict hunting them being the gorgeous former model Olga Kurylenko whose troublesome Russian accent is neutralized by her character being mute. Not to be confused with the bloodthirsty beautiful blonde Pict (the director’s wife) or the beautiful exiled Pict who, of course, falls for our kind hero. In a way this can be seen as the prequel to the recent King Arthur movie that starred Clive Owen. While this ends at Hadrian’s Wall being built to keep The Picts out as Rome pulls back, that begins at Hadrian’s Wall as Rome flat out plans to leave. Also, here we have a romance between a Roman and a Pict, while Arthur in that film is the son of a Roman and a Pict. There’s also The Last Legion, which is also about King Arthur and also has a sub-plot about what happened to the 9th Calvary. This actually made me want to see either of those again, just to lighten the mood.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment