1. The Last Exorcism/Lions Gate Wknd/$ 21.3 Total/$ 21.3
2. Takers/ScreenGems Wknd/$ 21.0 Total/$ 21.0
3. The Expendables/LionsGate Wknd/$ 9.5 Total/$ 82.0
4. Eat, Pray. Love/Sony Wknd/$ 7.0 Total/$ 60.7
5. The Other Guys/Sony Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 99.3
6. Vampires Suck/Fox Wknd/$ 5.3 Total/$ 27.9
7. Inception/Warner Wknd/$ 5.1 Total/$ 270.7
8. Nanny McPhee Returns/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 17.0
9. The Switch/Miracle Wknd?$ 4.7 Total/$ 16.5
10. Piranha 3D/Dimension Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 18.3
AND THE SEQUEL WILL BE, “NO, SERIOUSLY. THIS IS THE LAST ONE.”
The Last Exorcism opens at number one and the plot of this is a reverend who’s lost his faith doing one last scam exorcism before quitting when he actually runs into Satan, but when I hear this title I think of it more from Satan’s point of view. He’s tired of taking over little girls and this is gonna be his last when runs into some religious nut job who actually wants a fight and he rediscovers his passion for the work possessing young girls rather than people wealth or power who could ever really cause worldwide chaos and destruction, because Satan’s not about the big money and never has been.
OCEAN’S UNDER 40
Takers opens at number two and just as “I don’t do the scary” I also don’t like heist flicks and they actually have something in common: people doing something they know is stupid, be it going into that creepy house or doing that one last job that you know is hinky…like this one. But this is following in the spirit of the Ocean’s 11 remake in also being eye-candy for women, because no one talked about this movie coming out more than my sisters and all they could talk about was the hot male cast, starting with Paul “Pretty Boy” Walker, continuing with Iris Elba, to old mainstay Matt Dillon and including Jay Hernandez and Jonathan Schaech. Even T.I. and Hayden Christensen. It’s a prettyboypalooza, which is why it’s already made its budget back opening weekend. Clearly they’re as sick of Josh Rogen and Shia Lebouf as I am.
BECAUSE SOMEONE SOMEWHERE IS STILL GETTING LAID WEARING OLD SPICE
The Expendables is down to number three and believe it or not, you can also thank women for some of the success of this as well, though of a slightly older demographic particularly Dolph Lundgren who though not quite the pretty boy he was, still has his fans. He should send Jean Claude Van Damme a fruit basket because the role Lundgren plays was offered to Van Damme first, but Van Damme thinks he’s an actor now and turned it down, saying Stallone should be playing a tough priest working with gang members. Also reached out to were Steven Segal and Chuck Norris and don’t be surprised if some of those who turned it down show up in the sequel. Personally, I’m hoping for Carl Weathers or Jeff Speakman to show up.
CRAP, SIN, DISLIKE
Speaking of female viewers, they are solely responsible for the modest success of Eat, Pray, Love down to number four. It’s modest because it’s made $60 million off a $60M budget (and you gotta figure at least $20M went to Julia Roberts alone). And there’s zero word on overseas as of yet, so this will sadly continue to cement her superstar status once it and DVD sales come in.
BEETLEJUICE LOVE GETS YOU NOTHING EITHER
The Other Guys holds at number five and also in this is Michael Keaton, who’s had a bit of a comeback this summer having the role of Ken in Toy Story 3 earlier, which just broke the billion dollar mark. Of course, nothing will wash away the sin of this ugly, chinless bastard playing Batman for me. Yes, after 20 years I’m still holding a grudge. That’s how real geeks get down.
BUT WHERE’S BERNIE MAC?
Vampires Suck is down to number six, followed by Inception rising back up to number seven and Christopher Nolan tricked me because for all the science fiction and James Bond trappings, this is a heist flick all the way down to an “assemble the team” sequence. Sneaky fucker.
WHATEVER
Nanny McPhee Returns holds at number eight. Hmm. How ‘bout that? Anyway…
CLEARLY NO ONE TOLD HER THE SUCCESS OF FRIENDS WAS BASED ON HER NIPPLES
The Switch is down to number nine and let me add my voice to those who think Jennifer Anniston needs to take her shirt off already. It’s Halle Berry time, baby! That’s to signify when an actress of “a certain age” finally doffs her top to give her career new life. She’s already supposedly doing a “very sexualized” role, but no nudity. Sorry, honey but you can’t cock tease your way through life like that friggin’ GQ cover. Time to grow up and be a big girl and big girls with no discernable talent other than men want to bone them gotta get nekkid. Better actresses than you have done it, which to say pretty much any actress has done it. There’s nothing you’ve done in your career that your average Cinemax starlet couldn’t do just as well.
WHEN YOU SEE ELI ROTH, YOU KNOW IT’S CRAP
Piranha 3D is down to number ten and to show you the nasty creep level of this film, Eli Roth makes a cameo where he has to motorboat some poor actress (for those of you who don’t understand what that means, it’s to rub your face back and forth between a woman’s breasts and make a stupid noise and no one who knows how to fuck actually does it) and got an eye infection from the suntan oil. And they try too hard with the humor, the pinnacle being Jerry O’Donnell as a Joe Francis “Girls Gone Wild” type who gets his dick bitten off and eaten by the fish. This from a film filled with young starlets whose job is to be half-naked, naked and then die. Self-awareness and irony are unknown concepts to them.
ARE YOU TELLING ME DENISE RICHARDS HAD SOMETHING BETTER TO DO?
Best Buy is having an awesome Blu-ray sale and by awesome I mean the friggin’ prices are slowly but surely dropping. Yes, I realize it’s probably recession-related and the cruel irony is, though prices are dropping, there’s less money to buy them, but I still coughed up $10 to get Starship Troopers. And by $10 I mean $20 because thanks to some memory problem with Panasonic Blu-Ray players, you need an additional ScanDisk to make it work, which cost me $10. But more than worth it when I saw this version of the release has a cast & crew commentary along with the director’s commentary, which was on the initial release. This means my beloved Dina Meyer along with Casper Van Dien and Neil Patrick Harris talking with Paul Verhoeven. Now you expect Neil Patrick Harris to be smart and funny (when Verhoeven introduces him as playing a character who is smart but becomes a fascist he replies, “Just like real life” and at the flogging scene begins singing the GI Joe theme song), but that Casper Van Dien has a brain was a bit of a shock and Dina Meyer demonstrated a sense of humor when she commented that the reason Casper Van Dien chooses Denise Richards over her character is because he was a breast man, then makes the dual layer joke that Neil Patrick Harris’ character liked her was because he was “an ass man.” To which NPH replies, “You know it!” I like to think that she knew he was gay (given she’s admitted to some bisexual tendencies herself) and they were having fun with it. And even if she didn’t, it was still funny. But Casper Van Dien pointing out that Aryans from South America (especially fascist ones) makes perfect when you realize how many Nazis fled there after World War II was a shock. Now, someone lend me some cash, because Secretary, Ghostbusters and South Park were all on-sale for $10 as well.
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