1. The Expendables/LionsGate Wknd/$ 16.5 Total/$ 64.9
2. Vampires Suck/Fox Wknd/$ 12.2 Total/$ 18.6
3. Eat, Pray. Love/Sony Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 47.1
4. Lottery Ticket/Warner Wknd?$ 11.1 Total/$ 11.1
5. The Other Guys/Sony Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 88.2
6. Piranha 3D/Dimension Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 10.0
7. Nanny McPhee Returns/Universal Wknd/$ 8.3 Total/$ 8.3
8. The Switch/Miracle Wknd?$ 8.1 Total/$ 8.1
9. Inception/Warner Wknd/$ 7.7 Total/$ 261.8
10.Scott Pilgrim vs. The World/Universal Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 20.7
OLD BALLS
The Expendables holds at number one and it would be a misnomer to call this “Menopausal Mayhem” because “menopause” suggests “mid-life” while these fuckers are just plain old. Stallone isn’t middle-aged; he’s just old. And if you doubt it, the painful scenes of him running, using that old man gait will make it clear. I wonder how much they were insured for hip replacement surgery. Jason Statham is clearly here to bring down the age curve of guys who need their kids (or in Stallone’s case, grandkids) to explain exactly what this whole “texting” thing is all about. I’ve seen worse action movies, but that only means it wasn’t as bad as I expected given Stallone wrote along with directing it. The key to enjoying movies like this is to have incredibly low expectations. And I mean subterranean levels of quality, so when it’s above that, you’re good. So when Eric Roberts breaks out into a monologue in the middle of the whole world blowing up around him, I didn’t roll my eyes and groan any more than I did when Mickey Rourke did an even worse one earlier. I just accepted it as part of the price of scenes where shotgun fire literally cuts men in half, which is some of the funniest shit I’ve ever seen. And it happens more than once! It makes me think what would a female version of this be like? Probably some kind of bloated romantic comedy. Wait. Wasn’t that already done in The First Wives Club? This was actually funnier than that. But given how Hollywood treats women “of a certain age” you wouldn’t even have to change the name. “The Expendables” fits it all too well.
SHIT FLOATS, AMERICA
Vampires Suck opens at number two and yes, this is from those same lame fuckers who did Date Movie, Disaster Movie, etc. I fully believe that if it were not for teenagers who are just desperate to see anything on a Friday or Saturday night these things wouldn’t make a dime. If Scott Pilgrim had waited a week to open, it would have crushed this.
GORGE, BLASPHEME, LUST
Eat, Pray, Love is down to number three and clearly there just aren’t enough films about privileged white people who imagine they have problems for this to even exist. As someone said to me, “If you can afford to take a year off, YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING PROBLEMS.” That Julia Roberts, the smug queen of undeserved success is starring in it, is the nail in the coffin for me. I will never see this. Ever.
HEY, YOU COULDA GONE TO BUSINESS SCHOOL
Lottery Ticket opens at number four and Ice Cube is clearly on his way to being the anti-Tyler Perry. A man making movies for working class black people, but not pandering so much as trying to entertain. I could care less about either of them, but at least this doesn’t offend me with its very presence and allows the very occurrence of Terry Crews having two films in the top ten. Terry fucking Crews. You know right now there’s a black actor who graduated Yale Drama who is downing some very bitter drinks over this. Terry fucking Crews has two films in the top ten and he’s waiting tables. Sorry, brutha.
THAT SHE KINDA LOOKS LIKE CINDY CRAWFORD IS JUST ICING ON THE CAKE
The Other Guys is down to number five and also in this is Eva Mendes who made a bit of a splash with full-frontal nudity next to Denzel Washington’s Oscar-winning turn in Training Day. Since then she’s remained steadily doing A-list films, but through accident or design, has never really ascended to superstar status but hasn’t slipped either. She benefits when Will Smith succeeds with something like Hitch or Paul Walker with 2 Fast 2 Furious, but doesn’t get blamed for what Nicholas Cage does in either Ghost Rider or Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. But seriously, she needs to get nekkid again soon. Doing what Jennifer Lopez won’t do and clearly wouldn’t look as good doing, is how she can stop being “that other Latina.”
KEEPING THE RED DYE AND CORN SYRUP PEOPLE IN BUSINESS
Piranha 3D opens at number six and this looks like a stupid good time gorefest more than something scary, but I could honestly care less. That Eli Roth had anything to do with it means the gore will be utterly devoid of any kind wit or style. Honestly, the film’s biggest joke seems to be that Elizabeth Shue is in it, making it a day late and a dollar short behind Hamlet 2, which at least knew you had to make that joke part of the movie and not just metatextual.
WHY, GOD? WHY?
Nanny McPhee Returns opens at number seven. Really?
THERE’S A SITCOM WITH HER NAME ON IT SOMEWHERE
The Switch opens at number eight and this was on the list…until I realized that Jennifer Anniston makes bad movies. Her career is based not so much on her success, but being the “wronged woman” to actual superstars, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Also that her movies don’t really fail. They don’t succeed, but they don’t crash and burn either. A dubious honor. Jason Bateman, however, deserves better and needs to be hanging more with indie folks than the mainstream. Switch out Jennifer Anniston with Mary Louise Parker and you’ve got something worth seeing no matter what (and probably some gratuitous nudity). This, not so much and clearly many felt the same. The presence of Juliet Lewis is another warning sign and given she’s also an ex of Brad Pitt I wonder a little about onset conversation. Throw in some cameos by Gwyneth Paltrow and Robin Givens and we’ve got something here.
ALMOST AS IMPORTANT AS MONEY. NAH, NOT EVEN CLOSE TO MONEY.
Inception is down to number nine and its success has spawned one of the best rash of online parodies in recent years. Recutting trailers to Pixar films to it is probably my favorite, but the recent “Inebriation” now occupies my heart. This is the real testimony to success, that people not only saw it, not only can’t stop talking about it, but it’s affected them some much they make an effort over it later.
YOU LOSE!
Finally, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World closes out the top ten in its second week of release and this is a failure, but a good one and probably on its way to cult status. The problem is the audience for this film (adapted from a comic book graphic novel series) is for video gamers---who are too busy playing video games to go and see it. It’s truly aimed at the Nintendo generation and to a fault. While the visuals are kick ass the content is repetitive. You know, kinda like a video game. Scott has to fight his new girlfriend’s seven exes, each with more difficulty to advance. Get it? Yeah, while that’s funny, especially the first time, it just happens over and over and over again and quickly becomes tiresome despite attempts to vary them up. Honestly, you’d be better off just hearing of a character’s defeat than being forced to watch another one (geeks will note that Brandon Routh who played Superman and Chris Evans who played The Human Torch have added another comic book failure to their resumes). It’s telling that Rory Culkin, playing the “cool gay roommate” steals the film with just his charm, utilizing no special effects or aspects of gaming culture. It certainly doesn’t help that the lead character of Scott Pilgrim is a complete asshole. You have no interest in this guy getting the girl in the end, much less an entire movie about it. That he has two gorgeous girls on his jock is probably the movie’s best-hidden joke about the appeal of musicians to otherwise rational women.
A RANDOM ASSORTMENT OF BODIES
Patricia Neal, who packed in some classic work for not being a major name passed, as did Robert Wilson, bassist of The Gap Band. Also we lost James Gammon a few weeks back, best known as the whiskey voiced coach from Major League.
ROOTS – THE WRATH OF…SULLIVAN?
So this wasn’t up last week because I went home for vacation. And by “went home for vacation” I mean summoned home because my 90-year-old grandmother had broken her arm and her hip earlier this year and though dealing with some memory can remember me clearly above all, so home I went. And apparently she can remember me a bit too clearly, because even though she sometimes forgets her surroundings and the day, she had no problem giving me shit about not coming to see her earlier within seconds of seeing me, much to the delight of my sister. The guilt came down hard, fast and without mercy in the way only old people and children can do. I’d let my hair grow for a few months for my mom (I have what we in the black community call “good hair” in that it is soft and curly, but I could give a crap and shave it off every chance I get) and this in turn prompted my grandmother to talk about her own, similarly coiffed mother, who I learned was named “Mullen.” Yes, another fucking Irish name. My own Irish name wasn’t enough and apparently neither was my mom’s maiden name being “Kennedy.” Oh, no. I had to go and learn that my great-grandmother was also probably of paddy descent which more than explains that fucking red hair that popped up out of my forearm over the summer (though the hair on my head might also be a result of some Native American blood of which my grandmother is also proud). I also learned that like my maternal great-grandfather, my paternal great-grandfather (“Walker” so now we’re adding limeys to the paddies) was also half-white and also proceeded to marry a very dark woman. Basically, there was a clear attempt by both men to “breed the white out.” My own dating history makes that choice the height of irony. Sorry about your grand plan, ancestors, but I take it as it comes to me. I can’t afford to be picky.
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