1. The Other Guys/Sony Wknd/$ 35.6 Total/$ 35.6
2. Inception/Warner Wknd/$ 18.6 Total/$ 227.7
3. Step Up 3D/Touchstone Wknd/$ 15.5 Total/$ 15.5
5. Dinner for Schmucks/Paramount Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 46.7
4. Salt/Sony Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 92.0
6. Despicable Me/Universal Wknd/$ 9.4 Total/$ 209.4
7. Cats & Dogs 2/Warner Wknd/$ 6.9 Total/$ 26.4
8. Charlie St. Cloud/Universal Wknd/$ 4.7 Total/$ 23.5
9. Toy Story 3/Disney Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 396.3
10.The Kids Are All Right/Focus Wknd/$ 2.6 Total/$ 14.0
UH, NO.
The Other Guys opens at number one and I had zero interest in this because while I find Will Ferrell funny as a supporting character, as a lead he gets old fast. And Marky Mark as his straight man is simply not doing it. There’s still going to be too much of Will Ferrell for me. Hell, there’s too much of him in the commercials for me.
ALL WE’RE MISSING IS SHIRLEY BASSEY SINGING THE THEME SONG
Inception is down to number two and also in this, of all people, is Ellen Page. Yes, Juno herself. So much for those indie days of yore. They probably spent more money just driving the cast to the set than the entire cost of Juno. There’s a nice little understated hint of romance in the movie with another indie kid, Joseph Gordon Leavitt. I’d like to have seen more of that, but god forbid we lose a second of that long-ass arctic action sequence. Seriously. You like James Bond. We get it. Can we move on?
STEP UP 4 IN THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
Step Up 3-D opens at number three and there will seemingly never be an end to movies about how white people are the best street dancers in the world. Oh, you people of color are here, but only to tell the white girl/boy just how good they really are. And apparently there’s a handoff system in play. The kid who stars in this was a supporting character in the second film while the star of the first film shows up to hand it off to the lead of the second. Oddly, the women never seem to return, even though one was actually the star of the second film. And while I hate that I even know that, I will give them credit for one thing: none of them have been blondes and two of them have weighed more than a toothpick. In Hollywood that’s fucking revolutionary.
MEANTIME PETER SARSGAARD AND LIEV SCHRIBER ARE UNAFFECTED
Salt is down to number four and this was originally a Tom Cruise vehicle, but instead he decided to play a light-hearted invincible superspy in Night & Day rather than a grim one here and this has made more in two weeks than that did in six. Also, Angelina Jolie is the only star in this whereas he had Cameron Diaz. His only saving grace is that Night & Day made $127M overseas as opposed to the $74M it made domestically, so it wasn’t a complete failure, but still this has gotta sting.
ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME
Dinner For Schmucks is down to number five and not even Bruce Greenwood could make me see this and I loves me some Bruce Greenwood and to completely digress he recent did the voice of Batman in a Direct To Video animated movie, Batman: Under The Red Hood, and it was perfect casting. As was Neil Patrick Harris as a wisecracking Dick Grayson. What also oddly worked was the guy who does Bender on Futurama doing The Joker. Then again, Bender is essentially a sociopath so a psychopath really wasn’t that much of a jump. And Jensen Ackles played Jason Todd, who geeks know was the second Robin. He was killed by the Joker but came back from the dead (because it’s comics) and returned to Gotham City to start killing criminals and fucking with Batman, which is what this movie is all about.
ONE OF THESE MOVIES IS DESPICABLE. THE OTHER IS CALLED DESPICABLE ME
Despicable Me is down to number six, followed by Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore at number seven and this piece of shit cost $85M to make. Someone seriously needs to be fired for this ever being made.
AND FULFILL THE DREAMS OF MILLIONS…OF MEN
Charlie St. Cloud is down to number eight and we’re counting down the seconds Zac Ephron makes his bid to be taken seriously by playing a gay male prostitute addicted to drugs. You know it’s coming. And his girlfriend will probably be playing a drug-addicted hooker in the same film.
THE PAM GRIER EFFECT
Toy Story 3 is down to number nine, followed by The Kids are All Right re-entering the top ten at number ten and also in this is Yaya Dacosta (seriously? Yaya?), whom I’d never heard of but is apparently well known to fans of America’s Next Top Model. All I know is I love her big sista-girl afro in this movie and I love it even more when she’s naked, thanks to a sex scene with Mark Ruffalo about five minutes in. In fact, it makes me think the afro on women needs to come back. On men, it depends, but a big sexy-ass fro works on just about every woman. Yes even the jew-fro and whatever the hell that is you call it when Italians have one (guido-fro? guifro?) This is why I love that poster for David Barton’s Gym. I don’t care if it’s exploitative and offensive.
JUST LET ME RIDE
So, my descent into madness continues as I got up at 7:00 am on a Saturday to ride Summer Streets, which is when they close down a straight path from 72nd and Park Avenue to City Hall. And it paid off. It was wonderfully free of the people who annoy me most in my new semi-active life: fellow couch potatoes getting up and out. You meandering idiots. Nothing brings them out more than an event like this. Yeah, I know. It’s supposed to bring them out, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it!!! And of course to balance out my relatively easy ride in the streets, Central Park (where I almost never ride) was filled with a marathon that morning and when I went to the bike paths looking for them to at least be empty I ran into the flip side of the occasional rider: the crazy ass riders who are always up at 9:00 on a Saturday. Seriously, the paths were empty compared to the afternoon, but not as empty as I’d hoped they’d be, especially when it comes to groups of old men blowing past your ass. A guy who looked like Santa Claus not only whipped past me, but going up hill and pausing to make a joke about how tough it was. I get it. You’re old enough to be my dad, but are in better shape. You’re still gonna die first.
STOP CALLING, STOP CALLING I DON’T WANNA TALK ANY MORE
So, I’ve finally entered the 21st Century by getting a smartphone. An iPhone was out of the question. Aside from AT&T’s shitty network, the iPhone 4 sucks and Apple knows it. You don’t hold a press conference to reassure people something works if it really does. You didn’t hold a press conference about iPhone 3 weeks after its release did you? Exactly. I’m with T-Mobile and I basically told them I wanted the MyTouch phone for free or I was gone because my contract was up. So I’ve got my new phone with the touchscreen and all that shit I’ll probably never use anyway because honestly, I almost never call people and people never call me. I do text, but I didn’t need a smartphone for that. What I did need it for was internet access. Too many times I’ve been out and needed to access my email over something (usually where I was supposed to be and what time). Honestly, it’s faster to check out a movie time online that it is to call 777-FILM and listen to a hundred ads. Now I just have to figure out how to work the rest of this shit. For the first time I’m actually reading the manual on something. And fuck you, T-Mobile, thinking I’m going to pay $20 for a covering for this. I got one of your brand name covers from Radio Shack at a clearance sale for $5.
SHE’S A MAN, BABY! OR A VAMPIRE. OR A ZOMBIE. OR WEREWOLF. SOMETHING’S NOT RIGHT.
You know life is fucking with you when it sticks you at a table with an attractive, drunk 22-year-old who just broke up with her boyfriend, wants to put bacon on her chili cheese fries, speaks openly of preferring older men because of their experience and dressed up like a comic book character for Halloween. I just went home. No good can come of that.
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