ONCE UPON A TIME...

1. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 50.2 Total/$ 50.2
2. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 33.7 Total/$ 132.3
3. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 11.1 Total/$ 152.2
4. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 9.0 Total/$ 9.0
5. Underdog/Touchstone Wknd/$ 6.5 Total/$ 24.7
6. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 6.4 Total/$ 92.1
7. I Now Pronounce You Chuck… Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 103.8
8. Harry Potter & The Order of… Wknd/$ 5.4 Total/$ 272.0
9. No Reservations/Warner Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 32.1
10.Daddy Day Camp/Sony Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 5.0

PLEASE GOD, LET IT END HERE
Opening at number one is Rush Hour 3 and if Flava Flav is the most embarrassing Black man alive right now, then Chris Tucker is running a close second, but only because he works less. This is his first movie since Rush Hour 2 and Rush Hour 2 was his first movie since Rush Hour. The man is a walking stereotype and to top it off, he’s got the most annoying voice of anyone not from Chicago or Boston (even Jackie Chan was annoyed with him at one point). Needless to say, I’ve never subjected myself to this shit in the theaters. I’ve seen in on video where I could fast forward through his scenes to see Jackie Chan do his stuff (and see the ass of Roselyn Sanchez in Rush Hour 2). My pattern did not change with this, but this time there’s a moral imperative: Roman Polanski is in this and while The Pianist was an exception, it’s normally my place not to contribute to child rapists. I hated Brett Ratner before this, but the decision to cast him in this film just cements it in place. Unlike say, Martin Scorsese or Adrian Brody, his talent does not redeem him.

IN ORDER IT’S, UM, 1, 2, 3. WELL, THAT WAS EASY
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number two and while I did enjoy this, I have to say it was my least favorite of the three. The Bourne Supremacy was my favorite in terms of actions, having one of the best all time car chases, but suffered in terms of humanity by the death of Franka Potente in the first 15 minutes and this has little humanity at all (again, we remain grateful for no romantic subplot with Julia Stiles), as it’s just Jason Bourne: Angry Superagent and not much else. And no, not even my beloved Joan Allen can make up for what was lost. Also, we keep getting the same bad guys in every film and it would have been nice to have someone truly evil, not just doing bad things in terms of a greater good. Yes, evil in real life tends to be a result of these types of compromises, but on the big screen, I want it bigger and worse. And wearing a cape. With long mustache that it twirls while laughing maniacally.

IT BORDERS ON SUCKING AND BLOWING
The Simpsons Movie is down to number three and the more I think about this, the more my disappointment grows. It’s right up there with the X-Files movie at this point. Bare in mind, I can’t even remember the fucking X-Files movie, only my sheer disappointment with it. And now they’re making another? For whom exactly? Who the fuck still cares other than the accountants of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson?

STARBUST
Opening at number four is Stardust and this is based on a novel by Neil Gaiman and if you know his name you’re probably either a geeky fanboy or a girl with tattoos who would date a geeky fanboy, because 90% of Gaiman’s audience is female and just a little left of the mainstream. Gaiman’s greatest claim to fame is his creation of The Sandman, which drew heavily upon fairy tales from every culture. This is more of the same and unlike most creators, he’s actually a producer on this, which is to his credit, but also means he warrants some of the blame. I have to say, I the sheer commitment to the fantastic made me smile. Also, it doesn’t hesitate to add a little cynical humor as the hero and the falling star (played by Claire Danes) spend their first few minutes bitching each other out. And there’s a running joke of the ghosts of dead brothers who have all killed each other in gruesome ways trapped together watching the events unfold. The problem is, it’s more than just a bit too long (140 minutes) and this is a problem when you’re checking your watch rather than listening to one character express their love and devotion to the other (who’s been turned into a mouse). Also there’s the casting. Now, when you think of the living embodiment of a star, does Claire Danes really come to mind? Wouldn’t you think of someone---oh, I don’t---beautiful!?! And to make matters worse, she has to share the screen with Michele Pfeiffer, who even at 52, is more stunning than Claire Danes will ever be. Not to mention, your somewhat bland yet good-looking male hero is also prettier than she is. This is a problem and one I had with a similar, better-made film about fairy tales: The Princess Bride (in his pretty-boy prime, Cary Elwes blew Robin Wright off the screen). Oh, and the cherry on top of this is that the hero is originally trying to retrieve the falling star to win the hand of Sienna Miller (who ain’t all that, but a damn sight better). Claire Danes over Sienna Miller. Yeah, I’m sure that happens all the time. Then again she did steal Billy Crudup from Mary Louise Parker, so maybe she’s got that infamous “magic coochie” you keep hearing about, but obviously cannot show onscreen. Also, Gaiman hand-picked director Matthew Vaughn, the director of Layer Cake, the guy who bones Claudia Schiffer and the man who walked away from X-Men 3, dooming us all to Brett Ratner. And Vaughn should have known this film needed some trimming. And that the worse thing you can do is to tell Robert DeNiro that he’s playing a comedic role, because he overdoes it and this is no exception, as he plays a gay, cross-dressing pirate type trying to protect his reputation as being ruthless (can you say “Dread Pirate Roberts”?). One day this will make a decent double feature with The Princess Bride on USA on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

A RITE OF PASSAGE EVERY THEATER GIRL MUST UNDERGO
Underdog is down to number five, followed by Hairspray at number six, which approaches the $100M mark and this can only be the result of young girls and their best guy friends on whom they have secret crushes. You know, those smart, funny guys in the theater club who love to sing all the songs afterwards. Um, girls, there’s something you probably should know… But in this day and age, does anyone really hide any more? Wait, there’s Zac Posen, the male star of this and High School Musical talking about his “girlfriend.” Forget I said anything.

WHOOPS. FORGOT ABOUT NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is down to number seven and just when you think Dan Ackroyd can’t sink any lower, he turns up here. But honestly, didn’t he really hit this mark years ago with Dr. Detroit?

THE ONE THING EDDIE CAN BE GRATEFUL FOR IN’07
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is down to number eight, followed by No Reservations at number nine and closing out the top ten at number ten is Daddy Day Camp. Now, I won’t lie: I enjoyed Daddy Day Care and if he and Jeff Garlin had returned for this, I would have seen it. But I am not going to contribute to the further whoring of Cuba Gooding Jr. I hope your kids appreciate all daddy has done for them, being one step away from Cinemax soft-core porn to put them through college. Honestly, when is he going to say to his agent, “Okay, enough is enough. Just get me on a decent TV show. That way the bills can get paid and I can only take low paying quality roles over the summer.” But this just looks freaking awful. At least the first had some laughs in the trailer (especially with that bit about the kid who goes potty) but the best this has to offer is some kid explaining his mullet (“Business up front; party in the back.”), which isn’t so much funny as sad, because some people actually believe that. And I grew up with them.

IT SUCKS TO BE ME PART 672
Okay, so things have progressed. Light-headedness is all but gone. Pain from the puncture wound in my thigh is almost negligible and I saw the neurosurgeon who told me I could return to work on Monday. But then he tells me I have to take the anti-seizure medication until it’s all gone, which is longer than the initial 21 days I was given, meaning I have to wait even longer until I can drink again! Yes, I know it’s simply “forbidden fruit.” I only want it because I can’t have it. But it’s good I’m going back to work. Aside from money, there’s the fact I was bored senseless. When you wish for time at home, make sure you a) include good health and b) good weather. Being infirm while it’s 90+ degrees and humid outside is not what you want. Also, if you think you’d be productive with the time, think again. You’re not going to write that novel or screenplay. Hell, you’re not even going to read that novel. What you’re going to do is develop a sad addiction to Lifetime TV (also know as “Man Are Rat Bastards” TV), where you find yourself wondering just what will happen in the movie where Lisa Rinna and Gail O’Grady play best friends not knowing that one is the mistress and one is the wife. But this is not to be confused with that one where Mary Tyler Moore and Christine Lahti are best friends but also wife and mistress to Ted Danson and he dies and the girlfriend is pregnant. And what’s worse, you’re looking forward to the next movie where Charisma Carpenter is a psycho. Then there’s your sad discovery and subsequent interest in female-bodybuilding-porn you discover while looking for photos Robert Mapplethorpe did of Lisa Lyon back in the 80’s. Yeah, I needed to be back at work. Wait a minute! I don’t like working! Sigh.

MORE LIKE THE CLEAN UP GUY
So, I continue to try and clean out my DVR of shows, but every time I turn around it’s recording another. This time it’s The Pick Up Artist…and it makes me think men and women all need to die. It’s natural selection that these fuckers die without ever having sex so their loser gene dies with them---or they spend their time developing superior computer technology. And who is this fucking “Mystery” guy? And his total toolbox apprentices, Matador and J-Dog (one of whom is so gay it hurts, so dude, that may have been your problem)? Sorry, but what self-esteemed challenged women fall for these guys? And oh, when you’re thin and over six feet fucking tall and not utterly hideous, everything with women is a little bit easier, so a makeover by almost anyone can get you laid. Then there’s the fact he’s picking up drunk college girls in Austin, Texas. Let’s see him run this bullshit in New York or LA, where’s not even remotely interesting looking. I had to fast-forward through most of this because it was so painful, mainly because it showed the public humiliation men will go through if they think pussy is at the end of it. I’m waiting for the first post-show suicide. It’s going to be one of the fat ones.

NOT WORTH LIVING
Okay so the 11 pounds has stayed off for the past two weeks, and I’m coming to a sad, sad realization as to why. Especially given by the time I left I was not only eating the three meals a day they were serving me, I was also having food brought from the outside. And then there was all the chocolate brought to me. So what did I not have for two weeks? Bacon, soda and liquor. Just go ahead and kill me now. Seriously, what kind of life can a man lead if he can’t have a bacon cheeseburger, wash it down with root beer then go out drinking? Exactly. No life at all.

COLOR ME SUCKING
Okay, Man Band. I get using the second stringers from boy bands, but Color Me Badd was not a boy band! Not to mention it was twenty years ago and boy bands ruled the late 90’s! There should be a Backstreet Boy in here somewhere. I just…can’t. It’s just too sad. I can’t even watch. I have to draw a line somewhere and this is it. When is Scott Baio on?

FLASH! BAH!
So the latest incarnation of Flash Gordon turned up on The Sci-Fi Channel and I pity the lead actor who was last seen as the doomed Whitley on Smallville. Just when he thought scripts couldn’t get any worse. I mean, this is bad. How bad? It makes that cheesy movie look like Star Wars. Seriously, that bad. But at least they have the chance to improve on it from week to week. Yeah, hold your breath for that to happen. The best thing I can say about it is that they wisely coughed up the money to use the theme song from Queen---which was also the best thing about the movie version. Well that and Ornella Muti as Princess Aura. Of course, I’ll be watching this every week until they cancel it.

A SMALL BREAK IN THE PAIN OF A FAN
Another thing I had to catch up on was my music listening, more specifically the new Prince CD I had my sister buy for me while I was still flat on my back. He’s making the same mistake he’s been making for over a decade now: releasing an album pretty much every year with one or two good songs when he should be releasing an album every two or three years for five or six good songs. And, as always, he sucks when he starts singling about the state of the world. Even at his peak this crap was barely tolerable (can you say “Sign of the Times”). Your only break is that he seems to have stopped complaining about other people’s music. But the best song is obviously “Guitar.” And if the opening makes you think of “Sweet Child of Mine” you’re not alone.

BETWEEN THE SCOOBY GANG AND BUFFY, THEY ALONE PROTECTED US
The Monster Squad arrived on DVD in a special 20th anniversary edition and salary reduction be damned, I had to have it. I’ve loved this movie since I was a kid and I love it still. It’s a classic amongst geeks and there was even a reunion of the cast at this year’s San Diego ComicCon to celebrate the DVD’s release. But it’s funny how much it would have to be changed if they remade it today. In the first 15 minutes you have half dozen homophobic jokes and one flat out use of the word “fag.” And this is before we have someone underage smoking a cigarette. Not to mention they’re all white, which would also have to go. As would the repeated fat jokes about Horace (the actor playing him sadly died in 1992 of pneumonia and I think we know what that means). Yes, Virginia, the world has changed.

HE WON’T BE RIGHT BACK
Finally death continues with talk shows taking Merv Griffen. I actually remember the Merv Griffen show on in the afternoons. But what I remember more is Rick Moranis doing his impression of Merv on Second City. What most people don’t know is Merv created Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, so he had all kinds of dollars. And this is before he got into real estate. Which is why that sexual harassment suit against him filed by a guy quietly disappeared.