The Bourne Smoothie

1. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 70.2 Total/$ 70.2
2. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 25.6 Total/$ 128.6
3. Underdog/Touchstone Wknd/$ 12.0 Total/$ 12.0
4. I Now Pronounce You Chuck… Wknd/$ 10.5 Total/$ 91.7
5. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 79.0
6. Harry Potter & The Order of… Wknd/$ 9.3 Total/$ 260.8
7. No Reservations/Warner Wknd/$ 6.6 Total/$ 24.2
8. Transformers/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.9 Total/$ 296.3
9. Hot Rod/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.0 Total/$ 5.0
10.BRATZ/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 4.3

What Next? The Bourne Chicken Wrap?
The Bourne Ultimatum opens big at number one and if you liked the first two, then there’s more of the same here. Bourne being tracked by the CIA? Yep. Bourne kicking the crap out of another agent using household utensils? Yep. A nice car chase? Yep. And this time they somehow managed to film a car chase in New York! Not as nice as the one in Moscow, but impressive just for existing. If you liked the new James Bond then you have the Bourne movies to thank, as they set a new standard for secret agent movies. But at the same time, this is about as plausible as a Bond film, especially Bourne’s ability to take a licking and keep on ticking. More than once this man’s spine should have just been turned to mush (like when he drives a car off a rooftop), but he keeps going. Also, there are a few too many repeat moments from the first two films. Then there’s the matter of Bourne’s continued success. Though all the other agents are dead---two by Bourne himself---the simple fact he can do all that he’s done should flat out validate the program that created him. He’s pretty much Captain America (a super solider created by the government for World War II) and in the comics, because Cap has been so successful, they never stop trying to recreate him. Doesn’t matter how many fail, because one success is obviously nothing short of spectacular. There’s also a nice twist incorporating the end of the last film into this one. If you remember it was set in NYC and had Matt Damon calling Joan Allen. That scene actually takes place in the last half hour of this film and it’s nice the way they do it. Another continuation from the first two films is the top notch supporting cast. This time around Scott Glenn, David Strathairn and freaking Albert Finney show up. And Julia Stiles returns as what has to be the youngest CIA agent on record. They allude to some sort of past between them, but apparently wiser heads prevailed and it’s never delved into---though they do have yet another mirrored scene where she cuts her hair and dyes it black like Franke Potente. I’m glad they didn’t have it happen because I can think of a million things I’d rather see than Matt Damon hooking up with Julia Stiles. Paul Greengrass continues to balance out art with mainstream work, but he’s got to give the handheld shit a break. It didn’t bother me in the second film and adds a sense of urgency, but this time it was a bit too much and sometimes made it difficult to understand what was going on. But now that they’re done, I can finally pick up the Bourne trilogy on DVD probably this Christmas. I never bothered to pick up the first two because I knew they’d screw me with every sequel by adding more crap to the DVD. I’m not your DVD bitch anymore!

AND NO PHIL HARTMAN STILL MAKES ME SAD AFTER ALL THESE YEARS
The Simpsons Movie is down to number two and I was supposed to see this with The Lunatic as my treat for getting out of the hospital. Well, she couldn’t find the time and I couldn’t wait any longer (if I had problems making plans before, imagine how I feel about it now). I think I saved her some time because this is disappointing. For those you expecting a return to the glory days of seasons 4-9, let it go. This is more like the crap they’ve been serving up for the last five years. I understand new ideas are hard after nearly 20 years, but this is the best you could do? We have Bart sick of Homer as bad father, which was done better when he sued for emancipation. We have Marge also sick of Homer and leaving, which was done better when she left to work with seals---and that still kinda sucked! Also, given you’ve got an entire movie, why were there only two plotlines anyway? There should have been one for every family member. Then there’s the lack of use of the supporting cast. Once again, you’ve got all the time in the world and couple dozen characters to play with. Use ‘em! Let me put it this way: Patty & Selma don’t make a single appearance. Finally, The Simpsons have become somewhat notable in their use of celebrity guest stars. Know how many show up here? Three. And since Joe Mantenga is one the show regularly as Fat Tony and you really can’t call Albert Brooks a star, that leaves one, when there should have been at least a dozen. What’s the point in having Arnold Schwarzenegger as the president if it’s not really him doing the voice (no, Rainer Wolfcastle doesn’t show up either)? Basically, the best joke in the movie is when he’s singing the “Spider-pig” song and that’s just sad for a show that used to be the flat-out funniest thing on television.

THERE’S EVERY REASON TO FEAR, MORON FILMMAKERS ARE HERE
Underdog opens at number three and this is just a travesty. Why in the fucking world would you do a live-action adaptation of this show? Where was the outcry for this? Whoever came up with this idea should never work in Hollywood again and neither should the dumbass executive who approved it. It’s one thing to do live action versions of George of The Jungle and Dudley Do Right. Those were people! This is a fucking dog in a universe of funny animals. What next? An adaptation of Super Chicken using a real chicken? Mr. Peabody using a real fucking dog? Atom Ant using a real ant? Ooh, and maybe a Mickey Mouse movie with a real fucking mouse! Did they not get this was a fucking Superman parody, complete with a nosy reporter with an alliterated name!?! And what about kindly and lovable Shoeshine Boy!?! I’m supposed to be keeping my blood pressure down, but this kind of stupid shit just sets me off. Where’s my damn anti-seizure medication?

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU UNPROFITABLE
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry is down to number four and in case you were worried this crap-fest was a success, know that it cost $85M to make and has so far only made around $92M. This rate it’s only likely to break even and barely that.

DON’T HATE THEM BECAUSE THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL
Hairspray is down to number five and making smart moves by being part of a an ensemble is X-Men and Superman pretty boy James Marsden. For a generic pretty boy, he’s choosing his roles wisely and staying in a variety of popular movies, from The Notebook to this. Providing an example for him as a pretty face survivor is Michelle Pfieffer(there but for the grace of god she could have been Morgan Fairchild), and here she is continuing the “lioness in winter” portion of her life accepting that she doesn’t need to be in the title role and surrounding herself with the young people. And just to make you women giddy with anticipation, her next role is as the older woman to younger male love interest. That younger man? Paul Rudd. Hang in there. It’s only three more months until November.

A MCDONALD’S COMMERCIAL LOVES FOOD MORE
Harry Potter is down to number six, followed by No Reservations at number seven and this was huge disappointment to me and one of the reasons mainstream American films are so roundly criticized. This is a remake of the German film, Mostly Martha. The plot is pretty generic mainstream in that of the totally solitary adult suddenly getting a child. In this case, her niece when her sister is killed in a car accident. Of course the child then begins to melt the heart of the standoffish adult. This isn’t rocket science and even Mostly Martha wasn’t exactly multi-layered, but if there was a way to make this even more generic, they found it. First, with the casting of Aaron Eckhart, whom I normally like, but why on earth would you hire one of the Waspyish actors alive to play the role of an Italian chef? In the German original, he was flat out Italian. Instead, we get this totally convoluted explanation as to why uber-wasp is an Italian chef. And even though he learned his craft in Italy, we strangely hear not a single world of Italian from him. Also, I remember more of a bond between Martha and the restaurant owner, which is gone here and the wonderful Patrician Clarkson is pretty much wasted. Finally, the original had a bittersweet ending, but this one gets so sweet it might give you a cavity and there’s simply no need for it. One thing that is welcome is that the girl doesn’t “instantly” get over her mother’s death. I hate that in so-called family films. If you lose a parent as a child you’re going to be affected by it for the rest of your life, much less the first month. Hell, Rick Springfield is in his 50’s but when talks about his dad’s death back in the 80’s, he starts crying like it was yesterday. But the biggest problem with this movie is the lack of food porn. How can you have a movie about a master chef and not show their work!?! I should have left this movie starving. In fact, Movie Buddy (no year needed, as she is the only one) brought empanadas in anticipation of this. Sadly, though they were good, they were unnecessary. This will not join the “movies about food” collection. Hell, it won’t join any collection unless you’re collecting movies where Aaron Eckhart plays a guy named “Nick” (this is number four if you’re counting).

CHARACTER ACTORS (I.E., UGLY ACTORS) PAY RENT TOO
Transformers is down to number eight and what the hell John Tuturro is doing in this film I’ll never know. I can only guess he’s got kids he needs to make a movie for or a car payment that indie films can’t cover or simply wanted the chance to meet Spielberg. God knows an indie boy like him could give two shits about someone as untalented as Michael Bay.

NOT EVEN WORTHY OF A WITTY TITLE
Hot Rod opens at number nine and I cannot stand Andy Samberg. Yes, he’s responsible for “Dick in Box” but otherwise I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing his face. Isn’t it enough he can pretty much bone every Jewish girl between 18 and 34 on the island of Manhattan? Did he really need this dumbass movie about him as a low rent daredevil? It’s simply stupid, but Paramount apparently has a deal where they have to give every SNL cast member at least one movie. I mean, how else can you explain Ladies Man?

STRAIGHT UP I’M TELLING YOU…GET SOME SLEEP
Finally, Bratz opens at number ten and this movie is most notable for causing yet another Paula Abdul breakdown (she was the choreographer) and I’m going to be a voice in the wilderness to say, I don’t think she’s a drunk. From what I know, she’s pretty much suffering from actual exhaustion, which thanks to people like Lindsay Lohan, no one takes seriously, but the symptoms of not getting enough rest is that you’re seriously impaired like you are fucked up. The only difference is, when you’re fucked up you usually get some sleep, even when it’s simply you passing out (bringing us back to Lindsay Lohan). When you’re exhausted and won’t slow down…you wind up looking like Paula Abdul. And basically, this is more interesting than a movie based on a line of dolls that parents hate because they look like sluts. And this actually gives us two movies based on toys, the first being Transformers…and Jon Voight is in both of them. I don’t have the words to explain how sad that is. Is his goal to be in so many movies Angelina can’t avoid seeing him? And Jon, if you want to see your daughter again and her grandchildren ever, STOP FUCKING TALKING ABOUT THEM!

LOVING PAIN MORE THAN BLACKS AND JEWS PUT TOGETHER
Not breaking the top ten but the summer’s surprise sleeper is Once, the story of music and love in Ireland starring the guitar player from The Commitments, Glen Hansard (who stepped in when Cillian Murphy stepped out). Remember? He and the bass player ask Jimmy to be their manager? Well, it’s 18 years later, he’s cut his hair and looks a bit like David Morse. He plays an Irish troubadour (which is really redundant; you should only designate troubadours who aren’t Irish) who meets an immigrant girl who sells flowers in the street where he performs. She’s taken by one of his original songs and their friendship is borne (The Bourne Friendship?). Both are coming off then end of relationships and she joins him in expressing their feelings through songs (in real life, she’s Czech pianist). A lot of songs. All about love and not one what you’d call “happy.” After this I’m beginning to think the Irish drink because of their music, because god knows I needed one after this movie. If you like Damien Rice you’ll like it. In fact, he’s not only thanked in the credits, but Hansard’s band used to tour with him and their duets sound very much like the songs Damien Rice does with Lisa Hannigan. Because they agree to be friends from the outset, the film is mostly about the unspoken longing that develops between the two, so if you’re looking for “boy-meets-girl, boy-gets-girl” type of movie, look elsewhere. But this it not to say it doesn’t have a happy ending. It does and it’s proof you don’t have to be fucking saccharine to have it (yes, No Reservations, I’m looking at you). But I didn’t buy the soundtrack. Sorry, but it’s just too sad for me and not nearly as beautiful as the work Damien Rice does to make up for it. In fact, it makes me want to give his last album “9” another try.

WE LOVE SLUTTY GIRLS AND HONESTLY, WHO DOESN’T?
So, I’m catching up on my TV watching after being laid up for two weeks and I cannot tell you how happy I am to see Rock of Love. I couldn’t watch Flavor of Love because Flava Flav is simply…disgusting. Sorry, I just couldn’t buy into any show where women wanted to be with him. And they weren’t much better, which made perfect sense. This is a little better, because at least Brett Michaels was the lead singer of a band and has kept himself in shape over the years. Even the rock skanks who want him are better than the skanks who wanted Flava Flav---though apparently they are no more intelligent. I mean, was anyone surprised that not only did the show have two girls named Brandi, but both have done porn? Or that at least one the other girls was a stripper (and the rest are lying because on the first episode they get drunk and hit that pole like professionals). My favorite has to be the totally unstable Rodeo, who not only thought this was destined to be true love and cried any chance she got over it---until he sent her ass home last night. There was one Black girl on the show, which is one Black girl more than I’d thought there’d be and she was proof stupidity knows no color. She looked like Wesley Snipes in drag and Wesley is ugly as a man, so imagine that as a woman. And she turned out to be a total bitch when she was eliminated. Lacey is also totally out of her mind, so it’s good she stayed. But what I don’t get is why so many of them are so young? What girl in her 20’s wants to fuck Brett Michaels? Now, Rodeo I got, seeing as she was probably his age (and a man), but the others? Wouldn’t this make more sense with someone who was big in the 90’s? Then it would make more sense with some 20-something girl trying to get someone she was hot for as a teenager. You know, like the lead singer of The Goo Goo Dolls or something. At least that guy probably still has all his own hair and doesn’t have to wear bandannas constantly to hide a receding hairline. The girl with the pink-haired Gwen Stefani look is probably the prettiest, but she also seems to have a tiny bit of a brain, so she ain’t gonna make it. It’ll probably be one of plastic breasted blondes. They’re all the same to me, so I don’t know names.

JOANIE LOVES CHACHI, BUT EVERYONE ELSE HATES HIM
But even better than Rock of Love is Scott Baio is 45 and Single. This rules because it feels real. Yes, it’s totally staged like most reality shows, but Scott Baio is actually giving out real emotions. How do you know they’re real? Because they are ugly. He resents his life coach. He views marriage as trap, even his parents’ marriage. He thinks marrying means being told what to do and he hates that. He hates his fans. He hated the Happy Days Reunion. But none of this could compare to the anger coming off the women, starting with Julie McCullough (former Playmate who Kirk Cameron had her kicked off Growing Pains when he went super Christian and found out). Though she obviously had to agree to this with the show’s producers, the resentment coming off her was so pure I’m surprised he didn’t melt from her glare. If she were that good an actress, she’d be more successful. And even his apology really didn’t really do much for her. Likewise, Sheila Kennedy (Penthouse Pet) was nothing less than brutal telling him flat out he will never get married and he shouldn’t have kids—but if you’d been dumped for Pamela Anderson, you’d have an axe to grind to. But the best part has to be his scumbag little friend, Johnny C. This guy has been Scott Baio’s best friend since he was 14, has pretty much gotten laid because of it for 31 years and he knows if Baio does settle down, he will never see pussy again without money changing hands. He has no conscience. He has no shame. And he will probably get a spin-off show once this is all over. The only flaw of this show is that they obviously cannot get Baio’s A-list conquests: Heather Locklear, Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson. But you know Baio is a true playa because before this, you never, ever heard him talk about it. It was the women who talked about him. He never said a word. That’s the mark of a true playa. Silence from him and hatred from the women.

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN---IF MICHAEL LANDON DRANK WHISKEY AND GOT LAID
I loves me some Holly Hunter, so I was looking forward to her show, Highway To Heaven, on TNT after The Closer---which is ironic, considering Kyra Sedgwick is essentially doing an impression of Holly Hunter. It did not disappoint, as it opens with her in a pretty graphic sex scene for basic cable. Hell, that’s what I’m paying for. Holly Hunter plays what is usually the male role of a hard living cop (drinking, smoking, sleeping around) who takes it too far one night and runs someone over while driving drunk. This is when a redneck angel appears to give her a chance to change her life. He actually leaves physical evidence of his appearance, which serves to convince her that it actually happened. I personally don’t need the angel to be real. It would have been a much darker and interesting show had she actually killed someone, covered it up and that was the motivation for the change in her life. As it is, she really didn’t kill anyone. The man she thought she killed turned out to be some guy on death row who had the same angel and a chance to turn his life around. He obviously blew it. Also on the show is another actress I liked, Laura San Giacomo who never was able to turn the heat from sex, lies & videotape into a big screen career, but managed on the small screen with Just Shoot Me, which I liked for the first few seasons. She plays Holly Hunter’s best pal and medical examiner. Hopefully with The Closer as a lead in, this will be able to survive, because I can think of worse things than potentially seeing Holly Hunter having sex every week. She is going to have sex every week, right?

BY MY BODY, BETRAYED!
Well, it continues to suck to be me. I’m up and around but at a very, very slow pace (the 90 degree weather didn’t help). Because of the puncture in my groin due to the angiogram, I can’t take a regular sized stride, so I take small steps very slowly. I went to buy guitar strings and it’s normally at 20-minute walk there and back. Now it’s 40 minutes and I needed to nap afterwards. A trip to my bank (because I refuse to use an ATM machine and pay it and my bank to get my freaking money) was flat out an hour of my life. Again, a nap was due. The elderly are passing me on the streets (which is rude considering I’m now one of them). Also, the light-headedness when I’m standing remains, which blows. As does medication every four freaking hours, but that’s now over after 7 days. Now it’s just the anti-seizure meds twice a day. I finally got my sister to go home, but my roommate continues to watch my every move. I’m seriously beginning to think she’s reporting in to my parents. I know my sisters are, as they text me every day to see what I’m doing. Don’t think I don’t appreciate the love and concern. I do. But the doctors said the first 21 days were the most important. Those 21 days are over so let’s all relax a little bit. I’m obviously fine with TV and the computer (though I’ve reduced the resolution so everything is now big) and if the handheld cameras in The Bourne Ultimatum didn’t hurt me then nothing will. Worry about the war in Iraq. Worry about global warming, but don’t worry about some geek who currently spends his days watching TV and eating cereal. Unfortunately, I remain afraid of my iPod. I still have my old one, but I won’t use it. I guess because it’s going directly into my brain that it scares me still. I’m trying to schedule an appointment to see my neurosurgeon (two words you never want to put together, right behind “my cardiologist”) so I can get a timetable as to when I can 1) return to work, 2) start working out again (these man boobs were not part of the 11 pound weight loss, but my oddly freaking biceps were?) and 3) WHEN CAN I STOP THIS MEDICATION SO I CAN DRINK AGAIN!?! Obviously we don’t want to fuck with the effectiveness of the anti-seizure medication, but it was blazing hot and here I am unable to partake of frozen margaritas. Could life be more cruel? I mean, other than that “could have died” thing.

DEATH MISSED ME SO IT TOOK OTHERS
So it was a week of dying. Ingmar Bergman, whom many thought was already dead, actually kicked the bucket last week and I’m sure Woody Allen hasn’t stopped crying. Joining him was another great European director, Michelangelo Antonioni, who directed the classic film, Blow Up. He also directed The Passenger with Jack Nicholson, which is why Nicholson walked him out on the Academy Awards a few years ago so he could get condolence prize Oscar. Also, coach Bill Walsh kicked the bucket. But the one that affected me personally was Tom Snyder’s passing. When I began my nightowl days, he was still hosting the Tomorrow Show and I watched it all the time. I respected him even more when, after Johnny Carson decided he was only doing an hour and put David Letterman at 12:30, so Snyder’s show wouldn’t be started until 1:30, he decided to walk over the lack of respect he was getting. Unfortunately pride goeth before the fall and he pretty much disappeared off the radar after that. Integrity has a high price, kids, which is why so many people choose not to buy.