1. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 18.0 Total/$ 68.6
2. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 12.4 Total/$ 185.1
3. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 12.3 Total/$ 109.0
4. Mr. Bean’s Holiday/Universal Wknd/$ 10.1 Total/$ 10.1
5. WAR/Lion’s Gate Wknd/$ 10.0 Total/$ 10.0
6. The Nanny Diaries/MGM Wknd/$ 7.8 Total/$ 7.8
7. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 4.4 Total/$ 173.4
8. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 3.9 Total/$ 26.5
9. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 107.5
10. The Invasion/Warner Wknd/$ 3.1 Total/$ 11.5

NO GROWTH, NO LEARNING
Superbad holds at number one because there are more teenage boys our there than you know, even if their driver’s licenses say something different. And one of the reasons this movie is so immature when it comes to the opposite sex is because the writers started this screenplay when they were 12---and obviously didn’t do a lot of growing. Then they hooked up with Judd Apatow, which meant no further growth or understanding would be required. But Apatow’s not completely distant from the girls. Just as Seth Rogen came from Apatow’s Freaks & Geeks, I noticed that the girl who was part of the unfortunate menstrual blood scene looked familiar as well. Turns out she was Lizzie on Freaks & Geeks. That’s gotta hurt.

“Hey, Carla. Judd Apatow remembers you and wants you to be in a movie he’s producing.” “That’s great! What’s my role?”
“You’re the girl on her period who bleeds all over a character’s leg while dancing. It’s gonna be hysterical.”

But she’s not alone. Kevin Corrigan, who was in the first episode of Freaks & Geeks, plays her boyfriend. Also, appearing is David Krumholtz, who did a few episodes of Undeclared himself, as did Matthew McClane. No who’s not here? Tom Welling, aka Clark Kent on Smallville, who auditioned for Undeclared and while Apatow claimed he loved him and did give him a small role in the pilot, he just had no regular place for a 6’4” former Abercrombie & Fitch model (he used to model with Ashton Kutcher). God forbid he maybe show up briefly in Knocked Up as Katherine Heigel's ex-boyfriend or something. Admittedly he’d seriously have no place in this land of losers, unless he was Hot Cool Girl’s older brother, whom she didn’t want to ask to buy booze.

ARI GOLD AT WORK?
The Bourne Ultimatum holds at number two and if I’m an actor in Hollywood, I’m trying to get hooked up with Matt Damon’s agent right now! Are you listening Ben Affleck? He’s got not one, but two franchises in Ocean’s and Bourne and then there was The Departed last year and even high profile work like The Good Shepard (which is seemingly been remade for TV as The Company; are there really that many people out there this interested in the origins of the CIA?). Here’s part of it. Since 2002 when he appeared on Will & Grace, he’s only starred in ten films and three of them where released in the last year. Only Nicholas Cage seeming has to work every five minutes. So, choosing wisely is very much part of it. The only clue is what’s next, because both franchises need to end right now---and Ocean’s 11 never even should have had a sequel to begin with.

SCHAUDENFRAUDE IS MY RELIGION
Rush Hour 3 is down to number three and one of the things missing from this sequel is the addition of new faces, specifically female faces. Zhang Ziyi and Roselyn Sanchez (as good girl and bad girl respectively) brought a spark of energy to the second (not to mention Roselyn’s smoking ass). It helped to engage your female audience by having women as more than just eye candy. This one just drops that altogether, which is an obvious mistake, as shown by its disappointing return. Heh-heh-heh.

IT’S ALL MONTY PYTHON AND BENNY HILL
Mr. Bean’s Vacation opens at number four and who are you people that like this character? Sometimes I find English humor so inexplicable, that I question their origins as our mother country. I want a cultural DNA test! Now, I could get Black Adder (kinda) but Mr. Bean is a mystery, much less the need to translate him to the big screen, much less produce a freaking sequel. Then again, I don’t understand how dumbass slapstick gave the Pink Panther movies a hundred sequels, much less a recent rebirth. Who above the age of ten thinks tripping and falling is funny? Who are you people?

IT’S GOOD FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, NOT EVEN ACTION MOVIES
WAR opens at number four and the difference between good movies and bad movies usually isn’t just the big things like budget or top talent, but in the little things. Take for example the scene where Jason Statham arrives at the home of his now deceased partner. When he approaches the house, he’s naturally stopped by the police because crime scenes are cordoned off. He produces his FBI identification and is let through. But before that we see him drive up to a police car blocking off the scene and in a better movie that’s where he would have been stopped. Also, in the midst of all remnants of the fire he “just happens” to notice a shell casing on the ground, where in a better movie the guys working the crime scene would have found it and he would have gotten it later. But the best part has to be when the local police ask him to leave so forensics can come in. Oh, did I say “forensics”? Because the actual term in the movie used is “C.S.I.” No, I am not kidding you. They actually use the term “C.S.I.” Not forensics, not even “crime scene”, but C-fucking-S-fucking-I. I kept waiting for David Carrusso or William Petersen to show up. This, more than anything lets you this movie will be complete and utter crap. And it is. There aren’t nearly enough fight scenes for this type of utterly stupid movie. And I mean hand-to-hand fight scenes. I can get gun battles anywhere, but Statham and Li are famous for kicking people in the head and since this is a stupid movie about a Triad/Yakuza war (Chinese organized crime vs. Japanese organized crime), there should have been endless scenes where men mysteriously don’t use guns but fight hand-to-hand---like the scene where ninjas show up with swords. Again, I’m not kidding. Ninjas make an appearance. That’s how dumb this is, but it refuses to fully embrace its “dumb fun” persona, which is why it blows in the end.

NOT TO MENTION A WHITE AMERICAN NANNY IS ALMOST SCIENCE FICTION
The Nanny Diaries opens at number five and it’s supposed to be this year’s The Devil Wears Prada, as it’s based on a book which was about a young outsider’s actual time in New York City’s upper class (then high fashion, now nannies for the rich), stars a rising young female actress (then Anne Hathaway, now Scarlett Johansson) coupled with an older respectable talent (then Meryl Streep, now Laura Linney). There’s even a generic pretty boy with more successful day job (then Fantastic Four’s Chris Evans, here Entourage’s Adrian Grenier) and “Black Girlfriend” (there Cold Case’s Tracie Thoms, here none other than Alicia Keys). But this didn’t get the same type or reviews or business and I’ll tell you why. Everyone can relate to or have some interest in fashion. Nannying? Not so much. Anne Hathaway doesn’t have such a defined public persona so she can be the “everygirl” protagonist. Whereas you know where Scarlett Johansson’s vagina has been (or should I say, who’s been in it). And while I loves me some Laura Linney, she ain’t no Meryl Streep. I am apparently one of the few heterosexual males who could give a shit about Scarlett Johansson. Seriously. I don’t care. Blonde hair, big lips, big tits. Theoretically that’s supposed to be what America is all about, but she just leaves me cold. In fact the best thing about her to me is her uncharacteristically deep voice. And I need more than just my beloved Laura Linney playing a bitch. At least Meryl Streep was queen bitch of fashion; the best at what she did. Laura Linney is just some ice queen housewife. And Alicia Keys may even be more famous than Scarlett Johansson but she’s barely in the advertising. Doesn’t matter how small the role is, she’s arguably the most famous person in your movie and especially big with the young people.

BACK IN MY DAY WE DID THE COMEDY BETTER
The Simpsons Movie is down to number seven and I get upset just talking about this now. Especially when I can come home from work and see something like the “Camp Krusty” episode, followed by the one where Home becomes union leader (“Dental plan…Lisa needs new braces.”).

AND HER BONING PUFFY DADDY JUST MAKES PEOPLE SICK
Stardust is down to number eight and Sienna Miller just can’t catch a break. She remains most famous for having boned Jude Law at his “Next Big Thing” peak. Did he get a Vanity Fare cover? Is that why he failed? Or does he also need to call Matt Damon’s agent. I mean, they made a movie together, didn’t they talk on the set of The Talented Mr. Ripley?

“You know, Matt. I’m going to bloody well make as many movies as I can. Something’s got to work.”
“I dunno know, Jude. I think you should pick and choose carefully.”
“That’s because you’re not pretty and look like a Howler Monkey and aging will only help you. I’m beautiful and it fades very quickly so I have to make the most of it.”

And when you think about it, everyone in that movie has done better than Jude Law. Cate Blanchett, Gwyneth Paltrow and Philip Seymour Hoffman all have Oscars. Oh, and if you like the pretty, the guy who played Brandon on The Tudors is in this as well, though unrecognizable, which defeats the point in hiring pretty boys. And why are the English men so much prettier than the women? Both this guy and the male lead are prettier than Sienna Miller. When they’re about to fight over her I half-expected them to look into each other’s eyes and then run off together (‘cause all British males are suspect).

ACCOMPLISHING WHAT GOLDFINGER AND DR. NO COULDN’T
Down to number nine is Hairspray, followed by The Invasion closing out the top ten at number ten and also in this is Daniel Craig, who follows the fine traditions of Bonds by poorly choosing his non-Bond roles. Your first clue should be the presence of Nicole Kidman. That automatically means failure. But he sadly has a second one with her coming up.

NEXT YOU’LL BE ASKING ME TO FLOSS!
So there are some theaters that make or break whether or not you see a movie. If I’m on the fence about something and it’s playing at The Ziegfeld, then I’ll most likely go because I just love going there. However, if I’m on the fence about something that’s playing at The Angelika, then I’m not going to see it. I fucking hate that place. Aside from the fact that it’s stupidly placed so close to the subways you can feel them go by (the actual theaters are all underground), but being downtown means you not only get your typical, obnoxious, annoying art film snobs, but they’re going to be young on top of it because they’re attending NYU. So why was I there, not only watching a freaking documentary but watching Manda Bala (With A Bullet) a Brazilian documentary about that country’s corruption? Movie Buddy (there’s no point in giving a year since I only have one). She worked on this film. Now good documentaries are like broccoli; you would never willing choose it over a side of fries, but when you eat it, it’s not just good, but good for you because it makes you think. Well, this was good and it did make me think, but then there’s the other side of the equation. Documentaries are about reality, which means they’re going to be somewhat depressing, ‘cause the sucks. But foreign ones tend to be especially depressing because no matter what you think of America, it’s worse everywhere else. This is no exception because in Brazil, politicians ARE EXEMPT FROM PROSECUTION. How fucking dumb is that? Politicians, despised the world over are exempt from the law. Gee, you don’t think they’ll abuse this privilege, do you? This movie as about how one politician in particular who, using a fake frog farm, stole about $9 billion Brazilian dollars meant to develop the poorest regions of Brazil. Now, because these regions are so poor, the many people migrate to San Paulo, one of the richest cities. There they live in poverty and turn to crime, which is why it has one of the highest kidnapping rates in the world. This is why, as we chronicle the scandal, we switch back between interviews with a frog farmer, a kidnap victim who lost both ears, the plastic surgeon who now makes his living replacing the body parts of kidnappers, a San Paulo businessman who now spends half his net worth simply trying not to be kidnapped, the police and prosecutors trying to bring the corrupt politician down, and finally we climax with an actual kidnapper and the corrupt politician himself. Here the irony is driven home because as ruthless as he is, the kidnapper uses his money to take care of people in the slums, while the ultimate reason they live this way, the politician, has no interests in doing the same, which is why the kidnapper exists to begin with. There’s also a frog analogy because frogs only result to cannibalism when underfed. Socially speaking, humans don’t necessarily need the same provocation, but will also do the same. But I still had to go to the freaking Angelika and yes, I had two idiots freely expressing their ignorance of film behind me like it was a service that came with the ticket (I moved). The only saving grace was the little bohemian 20-something girl I saw in the lobby. She was wearing denim short-shorts, a loose-fitting shirt which seemed to be designed specifically to showcase the fire-engine red bra underneath and knee high leather boots. On 90-degree day. In August. Almost worth the trip.

NEXT SINGLE: MY LUBRICATING VAGINA
What is it with you people and Pink? She releases a single, it bombs, then hangs around like a nagging cough until you all develop a fever for it and it becomes a hit. It was like that with her first lame-ass single, “There U Go” which took a year to become a hit, but ultimately made her a star. She went on a streak for awhile then this latest album came out and was a bit lackluster. The singles didn’t do well (not even “Stupid Girls” which mocked Britney and Paris) and now after 8 months the third single “You and Your Hand” is a hit and the second single that tanked, “Who Knew” also seems to be coming back. This makes no sense. And I actually like “U + Ur Hand” because I’m a bit shocked that a song openly about her telling so guy he’s got to go home a jerk off because she won’t fuck him is a hit. You used to have to use a metaphor to be dirty on the radio. To this day, few people know that Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop” is about female masturbation. And don’t get me started on “Afternoon Delight” from the 70’s.

SPEAKING OF PENISES
So, pre-season football has started and this means lots of commercials about beer, cars and limp dicks. I can take a lot, but I have to turn the sound down then that commercial for Viagra using “Viva Las Vegas” and turning it into “Viva Viagra.” What. The. Fuck? Who the hell approved that? And who thought it would sound good. You know what it sounds like? Instead of “Viva Viagra” what you hear in your mind is “My Dick Don’t Work.” And even worse, it’s a bunch of sorry looking middle-aged men sitting around singing it. Guys who, if they aren’t married to someone obligated to give it up, wouldn’t need it anyway. And no I don’t feel I’m tempting fate. Hell, given how bad my memory is becoming (yes, this was pre-bleed), the last thing I need is blood redirected from my brain for any reason.