1. Superbad/Sony Wknd/$ 31.2 Total/$ 31.2
2. Rush Hour 3/New Line Wknd/$ 21.8 Total/$ 88.2
3. The Bourne Ultimatum/Universal Wknd/$ 19.0 Total/$ 163.8
4. The Simpsons Movie/Fox Wknd/$ 6.7 Total/$ 165.1
5. The Invasion/Warner Wknd/$ 6.0 Total/$ 6.0
6. Stardust/Paramount Wknd/$ 5.2 Total/$ 19.1
7. Hairspray/New Line Wknd/$ 4.3 Total/$ 100.6
8. Underdog/Touchstone Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 31.7
9. Harry Potter & The Order of… Wknd/$ 3.6 Total/$ 278.6
10. I Now Pronounce You Chuck… Wknd/$ 3.5 Total/$ 110.4

NO, THE SONG NEVER PLAYS ONCE IN THIS MOVIE
Superbad opens at number one and I almost did not see this. No one does high school humiliation better than Judd Apatow and this is one of the reasons why I couldn’t sit through an episode of Freaks & Geeks. At some point I either had to turn the channel or leave the room. I was sad when it was cancelled, but I understood. And sure enough this movie about one fat geek and one skinny geek doesn’t go five minutes before a bully literally spits on one of them. I then prepared myself for the worst---but it wasn’t that bad and easily one of the most sexually profane movies in recent memory. The humiliations are lighter probably because Apatow neither wrote nor directed this (the two writers are Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg, while the two characters are named Seth and Evan). But most of the humor comes from the uber-geek of Fogle a.k.a., “McLovin’”. And if they’d had more of McLovin’ and less of Seth I wouldn’t have minded one bit. The movie is typical teen sex comedy about “one big night.” In this case it’s a party thrown by the Hot Cool Girl for which they have agreed to buy liquor…and like always, that’s when the trouble starts. McLovin gets picked up by the two worst cops in LA (one of whom is played by co-writer, Seth Rogen), who pretty much take him to hang out with them, getting drunk and shooting guns, while Seth & Evan have to go to plan “B” of which they do not have and results in Seth being hit not once but twice by a car (but he’s okay)! The actor who plays Evan played George Michael on Arrested Development and learned his comedy lessons well, because his delivery almost always sounds like it’s ad-libbed, blurted out from his stream of consciousness. My favorite has to be when the drunken object of his affections tells him how wet she is and he replies, “Yeah, they told us about that in health class.” But like any Apatow film, women remain the blind spot. Just as Catherine Keener strangely had no friends in 40-Year-Old Virgin and Katherine Heigel had no friends or boyfriends despite being young, blonde, pretty and in a high profile job; the girls in here are nothing less than fantasy creations or creatures of mystery (thanks to a scene involving menstrual blood that I refuse to go into). The “Nice Girl” Evan wants turns out to also have a mutual crush on him and is ready to just flat out fuck him on their first romantic encounter. While I do give them credit for not making the Hot Cool Girl a typical bitch, there’s no way he’s her only outlet to buy booze and the final resolution is nothing less than geek fantasy (Hot Cool Girls, no matter how nice, do not give the fat kid time, not even sympathy time). In fact, if I didn’t know Apatow was married, I’d question if he’d even met a woman. And we’re denied what happens “the next day” with McLovin’ (I smell DVD deleted scene)! Who does fulfill his fantasy, but as you see in the commercials, it still goes wrong, because an Apatow movie couldn’t have it any other way.

JUST DESSERTS…OR THE LACK THEREOF
Rush Hour 3 is down to number two and word around the campfire is, the disappointing return on this has resulted in Brett Ratner having financial troubles because the movies aren’t doing well enough for him to get money off the back end. Same for X-Men 3. Heh-heh-heh. Coming to direct a Sci-Fi Channel made-for-tv movie near you.

MY HEAD LOOKS MORE BALD THAN SHAVEN
The Bourne Ultimatum is down to number three, followed by The Simpsons Movie at number four and I trust we’ve all gone to The Simpsons Movie website and created Simpsons versions of ourselves? This may actually be more fun than the movie.

WHAT KIND OF IDIOT REMAKES A GOOD MOVIE FOR A FOURTH TIME?
The Invasion opens at number five and this is the fourth version of this film to be made. I still say the original is the best, but the 70’s version comes damn close and is proof not all remakes are bad (though it has that mandatory 70’s depressing ending). In fact just as the star of the first one, Kevin McCarthy, has a small role in the 70’s remake, Veronica Cartwight who was in the 70’s version has a small role here (I don’t think anyone from the third version, Body Snatchers, directed by Abel Ferrara, makes an appearance). This was actually directed by Oliver Hirschbiegel, who did acclaimed Last Days, the story of Hitler’s last days, but the producers didn’t think his version had enough punch and brought in The Wachowski Brothers to do some work and another director to do some more scenes. He’s very gregarious about it, which has to be a European thing, because an American director would be screaming bloody murder over his “baby” or issuing a very terse “No comment.” Then again, he probably knew this would disappoint and would therefore be spared the blame. And this continues Nicole Kidman’s string of box office disappointments. How long is this going to go on? Jim Carrey, who was the first $20M man, didn’t get this far before he had to suck it up and literally not get paid and just wait for money off the back end. One more time: this is how big of a star Tom Cruise really is, because marrying him was her ascension to the A-list and there she has stayed no matter what.

PRETTY COSTS MONEY. WHY WASTE IT?
Stardust is down is to number six and director Matthew Vaughn has been signed to direct the movie version of the Marvel Comics Thor. Now, just as I once was thrilled to see him signed to direct X-Men 3, this was a little disappointing and I’m not sure how he would handle something like Thor. Sorry, but the geek in me has been hurt too many times and I would rather see these movies not being made than made badly. Also, while I love Kevin McKidd, who wonderfully played Lucius Vorenus on Rome and whose name has been batted around, he is not Thor. For one, he’s too fucking old. And totally physically wrong. Thor is a big blonde god. That ain’t him. And as far as this movie goes, there were pacing problems and what’s the point of hiring Michelle Pfeiffer if you’re just going to make her hideous for half the movie? Yes, I understand it’s part of the story that the more of her magic that she uses the worst she looks and she’s in a race against time, but this could have easily be amended to having her consistently fail because she refuse to use all her power in order to keep up her beauty. It fits the story and you get your beautiful star onscreen for the entire film. Needless to say, Claire Danes’s face is unobscured for the duration. Yeah, he needs to stay away from Thor.

THE KIDS THESE DAYS…
Hairspray is down to number seven and you know you’re old when the big events in teen culture are as about pertinent to you as the biggest cultural event in India. That’s how I am about High School Musical, which is what put Zac Posen, one of the stars of Hairspray, on the map. And while High School Musical 2,which aired this weekend, was nothing short of an epic development for anyone between the ages of 6 and 16, if I didn’t read about it in Entertainment Weekly, I wouldn’t even know it existed. Though if you have kids you are probably aware of this in a way you wish you weren’t.

BUT ONLY WHORES GET YOU OSCARS
Underdog is down to number eight, followed by Harry Potter & The Order of The Phoenix at number nine and closing out the top ten is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and you know Jessica Biel is truly a star on the rise, because not only is she love interest of someone 15 years older, but she just got her first role as a stripper. You haven’t made it as a young actress until you play either a stripper or whore.

EXCALIBUR REMAINS THE STANDARD BY WHICH ALL OTHERS SHALL BE JUDGED
Not breaking the top ten is The Last Legion which is about the legend of King Arthur, so you know I was there. In case you wondered what all the other English actors were doing while they were making Harry Potter, well, here’s your answer. It stars Colin Firth, Thomas Sangster (Liam Neeson’s stepson in Love Actually), Sir Ben Kingsley, Kevin McKidd, Peter Mullan (who you’d know if you saw him), John Hannah (who was Gareth’s lover in Four Weddings & A Funeral who read the poem), Iain Glen (whom most of you know as the evil doctor in the Resident Evil movies or the bad guy in the first Lara Croft movie), Alexander Siddig (Bridget Jones’s gay friend, the doctor from Star Trek: Deep Space 9 and the last season of 24) and James Cosmo (the big burly father in Braveheart). The funny thing is, while I call them “English” all but four of them are actually Scottish. Also along for the ride is Aishwarya Rai. An Indian woman in a story about King Arthur? Yeah, don’t ask. It’s got something to do with the Constantine Empire. The kid, Sangster, is the last emperor of the dying Roman Empire and when the Goths invade and take over Colin Firth (who is the last person you’d think of as a warrior but actually manages to pull it off) saves him and head off to Britain where there’s a garrison of Roman soldiers stationed at Hadrian’s wall (which we all saw in King Arthur, starring Clive Owen as the leader of that very same Roman garrison also leaving to support a dying Rome). The kid carries the sword of Julius Caesar, which will turn out to be the legendary Excalibur. The problem with this is, Caesar is made to be to some great just leader and his bloodline incredibly noble, which, if you know any history (or seen Rome) is just bullshit. This was made for a less informed, more naïve audience. But you know what? I enjoyed it. I’m an Arthur geek and the cheap production had no effect on me. Unlike other B-movies (and this is one, don’t kid yourself), it’s chock full of good actors who sell their roles, rather than roll their eyes at a job they obviously took for the money. Maybe that’s another difference between America and Europe. If you’ve been trained in The Royal Theater Company, you simply don’t know how to do things half-assed. Sadly, it’s actually better written than King Arthur, which isn’t saying much or that’s it’s well written (it’s based on a book, which I’m sure helps keep a coherent plot). The scenes of flirting between Colin Firth and Aishwarya Rai, are painful and only the most committed actor could have gotten through them without giggling. But like I said, I’m an Arthur geek so I’m grateful for any competent telling of the legend after so many bad ones (yes, Mists of Avalon, First Knight; I’m looking at you). When the boy meets a girl in Britain and her name is Ygraine, I couldn’t help but smile. Like I said, Arthur geek.

THE BEAUTY OF NATURAL SELECTION
Scientists predict that there might not be any more natural redheads by the year 2100. Of course this is going to happen after I’m fucking dead. Oh, and 40 percent of all the world’s redheads are in Scotland. The irony of that is, my name, while Irish, originated in Scotland and there’s a nasty strain of red hair that runs through my family.

AND DEFINITELY NO ONE CAN SEE ME DRINK MALT LIQOUR!
So, it’s still sucking to be me. Even though I made it through my first week of work, I got light-headed the first day simply by telling the story of my brain bleed. Basically, I wasn’t used to being vertical for 8 hours a day. And I still have to take naps, not because they’re fun, but because I have to. But on the upside only 1 of the 11 pounds I lost has returned because I cannot turn down a Barq’s root beer if I see it and the people at work bought me a freaking box of cookie dough from Dave’s. Well, it would be rude not to eat it! But otherwise, I’m obviously not drinking liquor, not drinking soda for the most part and---sigh---not eating bacon. Yeah, I said it, no bacon. I even had a dream about eating bacon, so I’m questioning this road I’ve taken. To help I’ve started eating watermelon rather than the wonderful ice cream in my fridge. It also does the dual purpose of keeping me hydrated, as that was oddly stressed by one of my nurses who told me to “Keep your brain moist.” I have no idea what that means, but it freaked me. And thanks to Dave Chappelle I have this hang up about eating watermelon and fried chicken in front of white people. I fear that even the most enlightened person will think, “Oh, my god! It’s true! They all really do like it!” It’s like seeing your otherwise sober Irish friend get stinking drunk or your usually non-athletic Asian friend suddenly display a knowledge of martial arts, or your previously unfunny Jewish friend do a killer set of stand up. But the down side is the frequent bathroom trips. Not only do I walk like an old man, but I go to the bathroom a dozen times a night like one. Yes, it’s still sucking to be me.

AT LEAST IT’S NOT THE FUCKING BUZZCOCKS AGAIN
You know how you see those lists in music magazines about the “Best Albums of the Last 25 Years” and it’s a bunch of shit you’ve never heard of and only one or two of the album you actually own? Well on those lists is usually “Steve McQueen” by Prefab Sprout, which for legal reasons, was called “Two Wheels Good” in the states. It’s pure pop and was produced by Thomas Dolby and I love it like I love bacon. For the 20th anniversary of its release, it’s been remastered and released with a second disc with acoustic versions of all the songs and I couldn’t happier if the songs were about King Arthur. Like any really good pop, the infectious hooks belay darker lyrics about failed love and longing. Always remember, kids: happy people make crappy art. It’s the miserable bastards that shine. Movie Buddy’s husband is a fan and when I told her she sighed, “He got it two weeks ago and has been playing it all the time.” This filled my heart with joy because it means their daughter is hearing it and the next generation of Prefab is guaranteed.

BUT I HATE THAT NAME LIKE I HATE THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
Californication is the new show on Showtime starring David Duchovny, about a frustrated writer working out his troubles by humping everything in sight, which is a very common fantasy character created by writers (he’s even got the fantasy car of the self-loather which is the older, slighty used Porsche). Onscreen, they can’t help but get laid by beautiful women, but in real life the few women who sleep with writers are anything but. I mean, he’s not even a screenwriter, but a guy who writes books. Hot chicks don’t read books, much less instantly drop panties at the sight of guys who write them. Believe it or not, as much as I’m sadly still attracted to this idea, it has begun to annoy me because it’s right up there with ugly, fat guy gets hot chick in terms of a clichéd writer’s conceit. This clouds my judgment of the show as much as all the fake boobs shown. (well, it is set in California, so I guess that is realistic). On the plus side, I’ve always liked Natasha McElhone, who never quite made it after her big break in the painfully overrated and now forgotten, The Truman Show, and neither Ronin nor Spy Game did anything for her. So far, the best part for me was his daughter who asked if the naked woman in his bed was sick because she had no pubic hair. YES! IT IS SICK FOR A GROWN WOMAN NOT TO HAVE ANY PUBIC HAIR! Wait. Where was I? The show. Oh, yeah. The fantasy doesn’t stop there, as he beats up a guy who answers his phone in a movie theater. A writer. Kicking ass? He might as well have used The Force it’s so unrealistic. It was more realistic when his self-loathing caused him to self-destruct on a blind date by insulting her. Now that I’ve done. And it’s a sad day that I’m more interesting in his self-loathing than I am the gratuitous sex and nudity.